The Lovers

Song of Solomon 8   Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave.  Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.  If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.

Arise my love, my beautiful one……Come away.

Maybe if I talk of you it will help this loneliness in my heart.  Maybe I will stop looking for you or hearing the sound of your voice.   Maybe…..

They were lovers, always in my mind.  It was common to enter their room to find them in bed together in our suite.  Watching television, reading, talking in their native language softly to each other, sleeping.  It was easy to see how they would fall in love with each other and remain there.  They were beautiful and well traveled and English was not their first language so they enchanted me from the onset.  Well educated and well read, accomplished in fashion and business.  They were athletic, fit and looked far younger than they were actually.

They were many things that I will never know and I wish I had asked more questions and made more time to listen but work is work and I seem always to be busy.  They were wonderful.  They were gracious and kind and charming and lovely.

They were also fated for disaster.  His was to his diagnosis and hers was to him.  His fate was sealed by his disease and hers was sealed by love.  How could we have ever known
what was coming?  How could we have predicted that we would lose them both?

It has been the greatest heartbreak of my career and one of the hardest losses of my life.  They were not family to me.  They were not close personal friends of mine.  But a light has gone out for me at work that I cannot seem to recover.  It is like a long rain that sets in for a time until everything in your home and in your bones feels gray and damp.  It is like fog that will not burn off and reveal the sunshine.  I have no rational explanation for these feelings.  Maybe it is a combination of losses over the years.  Maybe it is because they were exceptionally kind to me.  Maybe it is because they brought laughter to the infusion room or because he was a natural flirt.  Maybe it was her charm.  Maybe it was seeing them snuggled up together during treatment.   Maybe…..

Some people come into your life and leave such a mark, such an impression.  And when they are gone there is a space that refuses to heal.

I want them to know that they are not forgotten.  I want them to know that they mattered to me and that they are sorely missed.

I have always had such an abiding respect for my patients.  For their courage, their stubborn refusal to just let disease have it's way but if you have read this blog before you also know that I can be brutally honest and today, I'm just weary of it.  I want the time to come when there is no more death.  No more cancer.  No more loss.  I am tired of you death.  And I despise you today.

Revelation 21  Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.  And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.  He will dwell with them, and they will be His people and God Himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away".  And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new.

The Thirst

John 7   Jesus stood up and cried out, "If anyone thirsts let him come to Me and drink.

Is there any urge more powerful on earth than thirst?

Maybe only secondary to breath.

I have always had a fear of drowning.  I have heard it said that it is painless but it is the panic that scares me.  And maybe panic is worse than pain.

Fear is not something easily defined, controlled or rectified.  It is frightening that the urge to breathe is so strong that even if you know that with your next breath you will take in only water,  you will breathe.  Even if the next breath is full of toxic chemicals you will breathe.  The urge is undeniable.

Hunger.  Thirst.  Breath.....All incredibly strong urges.  So it is not surprising that Scripture relates our need for God to these urges that we can so easily relate to.

If you are thirsty, come.

If you are hungry, come.

If you are fearful, come.

If you need breath, come.

Come to Me.   The One who understands you.  The one who designed you.  The One who can heal you and provide for you.  Satisfy you.  Give you rest.

My work reminds me of the frailty of the body and the limited amount of time that we have in this world.  I comfort those facing thirst, hunger, panic and death and what I find in them is the ability to look beyond this current struggle to a place waiting, to a Man waiting,
and find the strength to face their challenges.  We are not promised to be exempt.  We are promised hope.  Something completely good.

Jesus understood the needs of the people then and He understands our needs currently and offers a way to hope.

Revelation   The Spirit and the Bride say Come.  And let the one who is thirsty Come.  Let the one who desire take the water of life without price.  He who testifies to these things says, Surely I am coming quickly.

Amen!  Come Lord Jesus.  The grace of the Lord Jesus be with you all.  Amen.

The Twelve

John 6    Do you take offense at this?....It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all.  The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.  But there are some of you who do not believe.....After this many of His disciples turned back and no longer walked with Him.

So Jesus said to the Twelve, Do you want to go away as well?

Simon Peter answered Him, Lord, to whom shall we go?

You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God.

Over the last six years I have a thought that haunts me sometimes.  What if I had chosen not to go to Nightfall on the night that Ken and I met.

It is a possibility that frightens me.

Sometimes at night we sit in front of a fire or wrapped up on the couch or a patio somewhere and turn our photos for the last few years into a slideshow and just watch our lives play out in pictures.  Over 14,000 photos that I cannot bear to part with.

Photos of our kids at our wedding.  Birthdays, Christmases and holidays and Kate :).  Central Park.  The Grand Canyon.  Jerusalem.  17 mile drive.  So many wonderful days.

What if I had made a different choice????   Knowing Ken has forever changed my life and I do not believe it was accidental.

So Jesus said to the Twelve, Do you want to go away.

Lord, to whom shall we go.

It is more than a decision that Peter makes.  It is a recognition of that fact than in choosing Christ he changes forever the direction of his life.  He changes his destiny.  This may be the day that everything that ever would be in Peter's life was determined.

Being in a relationship with Ken was life changing for me.

Being in a relationship with Christ was life saving for me.  In every single way.

We have believed and have come to know that You are the Holy One of God.

Peter must have been firmly convinced of this because the rest of his life was lived out telling others just how much he had come to love and know the man who was his friend, his mentor and his Lord.  He was willing to die to see Christ's kingdom come.

Lord, to whom shall we go?

The Simplicity

John 6   Then they said to Him, What must we do to be doing the works of God?

Jesus answered them, This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent....For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in Him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.

Simplistic.

Now I know what you might be thinking....This is not the whole story.  There must be more do to.  There must be some requirements to secure my place in heaven.  Where is the list?

But for today and for this story there is nothing to be done other than believing.  And sometimes, and for some people,....believing is the hardest part.  Because it is our beliefs that change the way we choose to live our lives.

For example....I believe in the law of gravity and that pretty much prevents me from attempting to attach a kite to my back and jump off the house (even though I have always wanted to try it).  There is a house up on the hill from our apartment that is one of the prettiest places I have ever seen but I believe that if I wrote a check for it that it would not clear the bank.  I believe that if I break the law that I will go to jail so my life is really driven by those things that I hold to be true in my mind and heart.

And I believe that I must deal with the man, Jesus Christ.  I have a choice to believe or not and I am persuaded that this is the most important decision that I will ever make.

Some people obviously have found a way to fly with just a body suit and some people buy things that they can't afford and some people break the law and never go to jail but I am not much of a risk taker.  It's not worth it to me to prove a point.  It is also not worth it for me to just die and see what happens.

I believe that there is a yes or no answer that is required of me.  Will I believe in the life of Christ?

This blog is an answer to that question.  I do not kid myself about having any great writing ability or having new or original thoughts.  I am a simple girl with simple faith and when I read these verses I believe in what they say.

This is the will of My Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes on Him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.

The Robe

Psalm 102   Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord...
                  That He looked down from His holy height, from heaven the Lord looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die that they may declare in Zion the Name of the Lord and in Jerusalem His praise when people gather together and kingdoms to  worship the Lord...

Of old You laid the foundation of the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands.  They will perish but You will remain; they will all wear out like a garment.  You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away, but You are the same, and Your years have no end.


Do you know those dreams you have at night that linger around the edges of your consciousness in the morning?  The feeling that you have forgotten something of great importance?

Yeah, me too.

This coming week wraps up another travel nursing contract in the world of outpatient chemotherapy, this time at City of Hope in Pasadena, and I don't know if it is because of this or just the nature of my work in general but I woke this morning to a dream about the end.  The end of life for me.

You change them like a robe, and they will pass away.

Such amazing courage it takes to face cancer or any other such disease.  I witness those that I care for clawing and scratching for life.  Through chemo, surgery, radiation as well as the daily struggles of normal life they draw on strengths that they never thought would be there.

Even greater resolve is needed to let go; to stop fighting and to just BE until the end.

As for me these thoughts always come with a haunting question....Where does this strength come from?  And what does the answer to this question leave me with?

If you follow this blog then you know to whom I give credit for my own life.  What He has done for me has played out in the pages of this work.  The question is, Where does your strength come from?  And what does the answer to that leave you with?

One thing is certain...

They will perish but You will remain; they will ALL wear out like a garment.  You will change them like a robe, and they will pass away.

As I write this and the dream flutters around the edges of my memory I see myself there in the dream being content....feeling complete and whole, utterly happy as my Father slips a new robe onto my shoulder.  I am no longer becoming....anything.  I just am.

He looked down from His holy height, from heaven the Lord looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die that they may declare in Zion the Name of the Lord.

Maybe this is what it is like in the end, a groaning to be released from a prison of disease or disability.  Maybe we will finally see the ultimate mystery of death and welcome it like a friend and find there all that was ever required for happiness.

The Question

Job 38  Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make known to Me.

Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?  Tell me, if you have understanding.

Who determined its measurements-surely you know!  Or who stretched the line upon it?  On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone;  when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed?

Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth and the wicked be shaken out of it?.....

Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep?  Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?  Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth?  Declare, if you know all this.

Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness, that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?  You know, for you were born then, and the number of your days is great!

Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail, which I have reserved for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war?  What is the way to the place where the light is distributed, or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?

Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain and a way for the thunderbolt, to bring rain on a land where no man is, on the desert in which there is no man, to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground sprout with grass?

Has the rain a father, or who has begotten the drops of dew?  From whose womb did the ice come forth, and who has given birth to the frost of heaven?.....

Then Job answered the Lord and said:  I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.  Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?  Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.....I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.


I am somewhat fascinated with the book of Job, especially the beginning and the end.  It would seem that God dealt severely with someone who loved and respected Him so much.  In the beginning Job is used as somewhat of a pawn between the powers of good and evil, between God and Satan and in the process Job is ceremoniously and swiftly stripped of all that he holds dear, even his own flesh.

After this great tragedy, where Job is not as fortunate as the readers and is not aware that there will be a happier ending, his "friends" come to comfort him and for the next few chapters they sit and expound on all their knowledge of God and it takes a while.  God it seems is listening to the oratory as well and stands by while He is being discussed.  They discuss how He thinks, how He punishes or rewards, how He operates in every situation.

And then we come to the moment where God presents Himself to Job with clarity and Job, after the Lord has set things right, shows us just how small we really are in the whole scheme of things.  Job offers God respect and honor and admits that he talks about things that He really, up to this point, did not understand.  Job admits to God that he really knows very little of who He is and how He feels and how He operates.  And we get to glimpse in this conversation the wonderful genius that is our God, His creativity, His wisdom and sense of order.  We get a glimpse of His greatness and that feels like an honor to me.  He has allowed a peek into creation itself.  He pulls back the vail and reveals Himself to us as if He wants to be understood.  As if we can.

The last chapter deals with God's restoration of Job.

And Job died, an old man, and full of days.

The Light

I have heard it said, "If you make a mistake go back to the beginning and start again".

Genesis 1  In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

And God said, Let there be light.  And there was light.  And God saw that the light was good.

Over the last few month I have asked myself some very serious questions about God and the Bible.  Do I really believe?  Is it really true?

I am exposed to lots of different belief systems and theologies in my travels and in my work.  I meet a lot of people who are convinced of a lot of "truths".  Maybe the patients that I care for who are dying make the biggest impression on me because they are desperate for truth about what really happens when you die.  But for the most part I have found that there are as many different philosophies as there are fingerprints and almost everyone has their own sense of what truth is to them.

So, if you are interested I will share with you my conclusion.  Do I believe?

Yes I do.  Not because I grew up in the Bible belt or because I came from a Christian family.  I do not believe because it is popular with my dying patients.  I do not believe because I need to or am afraid not to.  I don't believe because it makes sense to me.

I believe for what He has done for me.  Period.

I believe for Who He Is to me.

I was dark and void and without shape or function.  I was lost and wasted.  I was without direction or purpose or meaning.  I was adrift.

Until the moment He came to me I was desperate and He spoke life and light into my life.  I will be perfectly honest with you and tell you that this alone is what holds me to Him.  It is the point that I cannot get away from.  It is the truth that will not let me go.  It is the only thing that I know.

He made a difference in me that nothing else could.  Not religion, not Church, not therapy, not college or kids or drugs or sex or anything else under the sun (and I tried pretty much everything).   He alone rescued me and gave meaning to my life.

I have not been educated or become well mannered or function as a compassionate nurse because of knowledge or etiquette.  He changed me.

And that's it.  That is why I love Him.  That is why I trust Him.  That is why I cannot let go of Him because He did for me what no one else could or would.  And that is selfish, I know but it is the truth.

He loved me into a relationship with Him that I cannot escape.

I will not try to convince you otherwise, although if you give me a chance I might, I would just submit to you that He is and that He brings light in the darkest places.  Even death.

He does this because it is His nature to love.  It is who He is.

Father I am thankful that you love me enough to let me struggle with my feelings.  You are not my crutch or my own wishful thinking.  You are my friend and my comforter.  My redeemer and the lifter of my head.