The Last

Acts 17 This I proclaim to you. The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward Him and find Him. Yet He is actually not far from each one of us, for in Him we live and move and have our being.

If you know me or follow this blog then you must know that I am passionate about it. I named it, My passion for Israel. It is about my passion for the God of Israel, for the land of Israel and for the work that the Lord has called to do in the cities of Israel.

Along with this desire that the Lord has placed in my heart lives the passive nature that is my flesh. It is long past the time for me to let go of my fleshly personality flaws and cling to the life that He has chosen for me.

So, as much as I love to write and post this blog, this will be my last one. Until I post from Jerusalem.

I have learned that in order to be successful in difficult situations two things are necessary for me. Trusting in the Lord to be my strength and having an accountability partner. It is the only thing that keeps me from smoking. (That and the fact that the Lord refused to let me go to Israel again until I had given it up)

So by putting the truth in writing I hope to keep myself accountable. I will tell you plainly that the Lord called me to Israel to work in medical ministry nearly ten years ago. I am writing this from my home in Tennessee in part because of my own lack of faith and resistance to trust the Lord completely. Until I can walk the walk instead of just talk the talk, I will be silent. And maybe by becoming obedient the Lord will give me something worth saying.

I would like to share one last story of God's faithfulness to me since it is the theme of this work.

About a month ago I sent my work to a Christian publisher for the possibility of putting it all in print. I have thought a lot over the last six months about what I hoped to accomplish with this writing and it is this...I would like to earn an income sufficient to allow me to live in Israel for at least part of the year and to be able to share with others the faithfulness of Christ and His ability to make something out of nothing.

I contacted Jonathan at Shevet Achim and requested to return there for a season of time.

I asked the Lord to grant me favor in these requests and for a birthday present. I asked the Lord for the gift of a plane ticket. My birthday is on Tuesday. And as an act of faith in His ability to provide for all our needs according to His riches in glory I printed this on my blog and started packing.

Four days ago I was invited to return to Shevet Achim.

Three days ago I received an email from the Christian publisher offering to publish my book.

Two days ago Ken got a call to come to New York on Tuesday, my birthday, to audition for a part that would more than cover the cost of airfare to Israel.

Jesus Christ, God the Father and the Holy Spirit.

He is more than just a God who sits in the heavens or lives in the pages of an ancient book. He is a living, breathing, all powerful, sustaining Father who longs to give us ALL good things. He is able to deliver you. From ANYTHING. Just trust Him and I promise you, you will never be disappointed. He will change your life.

If you will give me your life I will make something beautiful out of it.

The Fallout

I Peter 2 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Isn't that just about the best thing you have ever heard?

A chosen race. A royal priesthood. A holy nation. A people of His OWN possession.

Why? Because we are so lovely? So deserving? So....worth it?

Hardly!! So we may proclaim the excellencies of HIM who called us out of darkness into His glorious light.

I LOVE this verse. It is so close to my own heart and describes so well how I feel about what the Lord has done for me personally.

I remember the day and the exact place where darkness first came into my life. The first time I felt real fear or knew that sin existed in the form of a person.

I had my first paying job at the ripe old age of eleven. I was hired to babysit two of the most precious little girls; both blond and blue eyed like their beautiful parents. I know what you are thinking here; isn't that a little young to be babysitting? But I lived in Mayberry and nothing bad ever happens there. My mom would usually drop me off at their house, which was only about five minutes from our house, and one of the other parents would bring me home.

It is strange the things that you remember. On THAT day I had drank apple juice.

On THAT day the children's father took me home. I was happy. Naive. We were almost to my house; I could see my house, when he stopped the car and leaned across me and locked my door. Everything in my life grew a little darker and I was afraid.

I remember the strangest sensation just sitting in the car. As the tears started to fill my eyes I was looking at my house and everything started to blur with my tears. Things never looked the same to me after THAT day. It was like happiness started to drift away. I couldn't hear or speak. And then he kissed me and the world grew a little darker.

That day marked the beginning of sorrows.

I wouldn't begin to try to answer all of the questions regarding why bad things happen but here are some of my thoughts...if you are interested.

To solve a crime you must trace the event all the way to its beginning. The crime against me began in the beginning, in a garden, long ago and far away. In the garden of Eden.

With the original sin, the hearts of mankind became twisted. Away from God. I believe it was similar to the shift that took place inside of me that day. As my house began to blur my own world shifted and something in me fell away the first time I was exposed to real sin. I wonder if the same thing happened with Eve. Did she feel the moment when everything started to slide away beneath her. Did she realize that she had set in motion the destruction of every single fiber of the universe and mankind.

Because we are skewed in our thinking it is impossible for us to live in the light. Without Christ we become darkened down to the core of our being. We are incapable of purity on our own. Only the light of Christ allows us to be decent and wholesome.

If you add to this the effects of drugs, alcohol or a history of violence then it is almost impossible to be anything other than a destructive force. And children are a perfect target. Smaller. Weaker. Naive. Vulnerable. And most of all...pure.

And darkness hates purity.

This I know. God hates sin. So much so that He gave up His own Son. He delivered His Son, and in truth Himself, into the hands of sinners to be brutalized for you. For me. For my soul the Holy One of heaven was crushed. For my soul He who knew no sin became sin. For my soul, He became flesh and walked among us and if we will permit Him, He will dwell in us and we WILL be changed.

Brought from darkness to light. From death to life. From hell to heaven.

He does not just help us to behave differently. He changes us entirely and light begins to dawn again in our heart. He binds up the wounds of little girls like me. Maybe like you.

Scars remain. I still can't stand even the smell of apple juice and it pains me to see it on the shelves in the grocery store. I am able to say to you with confidence that my God is faithful in all things and is able to take our greatest hurts and fears and redeem them. He redeems us with the light of His love and covers us in the shadow of His wings.

I Peter 5 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be the dominion forever and ever.

The Doubter

James 1 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 2 You believe that God is One; you do well. Even the demons believe...

Isaiah 7 If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all.

And that verse stops me. And so He speaks...Do you hear Me, Connie. If you are not firm in faith, you will not be firm at all. And to my love I answer, Lord increase my wisdom and faith according to Your promise.

It is not enough to believe in God (even the demons believe). Believing will not get you through the difficult times. Believing will not hold you steady. It will not hold you together.

It is my relationship with Christ that holds me. It is my faith; that He IS and that He is with me and in me and living through me. That He loves me and is pleased with me not because I am trying to be good but because I belong to Him. He created me, birthed me and gave me life. And that holds me.

Today is Shabbat in Jerusalem and I have spent most of the day in the courtyard garden at Shevet Achim. The city is quiet for the most part; the doves sing, the cat is watching, the children are laughing and my hands are in the rich soil of the city of God's heart and all of the sudden I am overwhelmed with that knowledge.

I see Jesus often as the gardener of Jerusalem. For some He is the Shepherd, a healer, a teacher, a king. He is those things, it's true, but to me He is always the gardener and, like me, He loves watching Jerusalem bloom.

I miss my family. I miss my husband but I must tell you that there is something within my heart when I am in the garden here where I feel Him with me. So, come Lord Jesus. Breathe into this house the sweetness of Your spirit, the calmness of Your peace and grant to us the gift of childlike faith. Be near Lord for I need You. Not just words on a page, Lord, for what manuscript could ever begin to contain You. Hold me together by Your love and goodness and mercy. Accomplish the work that You began in me Lord and give me the grace to allow You to do that.

The Provider

Genesis 22 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, My father! And he said, Here am I , my son. He said, Behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering? Abraham said, God will provide for Himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son...And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns...So Abraham called the name of that place, The Lord will provide.

James 2 Was not Abraham our father justified by works when he offered up his son Isaac on the altar? You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works; and Scripture was fulfilled that says, Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness-and he was called a friend of God. You see that a person is justified by works and not by faith alone.

It is easy to say that I trust the Lord. It is another thing entirely to follow the Lord when I can't see the outcome or when it doesn't line up with my own personal plans.

I have always been fascinated with stories of people who have given up everything to share their faith and follow the Lord wherever He leads. As a young girl my mom bought me a copy of, Through gates of Splendor, the story of Jim Elliot and, The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. I loved both of these books and I am still amazed at their courage and the depth of their commitment in times of real danger and even when faced with death.

I want to have faith like that but I just don't want to have it tested. I would just like to know it is there without having a trial by fire.

Many years ago I wrote down a list of things that I knew for certain that the Lord had promised me for my life and a list of things that were required of me to see those promises become a reality. Everything on that list is done except for the last two things. They are perhaps the two that require the most faith. The ones that I have longed for and feared. And for the first time in my life I am so close to seeing them become a reality. All that is needed is the faith of Abraham :)

The truth is, I don't entirely trust myself or put much faith in my own abilities. So I have placed my trust in the God of Abraham. I believe that He is a God who keep His promises and that He will bring to completion what He began in me.

Jude Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.

Father I have walked enough roads with you to trust You on this one. When I can't see the end, when I am afraid and when I don't trust myself-I will trust in You for I have found you to be faithful; not only the great giants of faith like Abraham and Corrie but to the least, like me.

The Request

Matthew 7 Ask, and it will be given to you: seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Of if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!!

I don't really like to ask anyone for anything. Southern girls, I think in particular, are taught not be pushy; not to insist on having your own way. Sometimes it is a pride issue; that part of me that says, I can do it myself. But why would I ever be reluctant to ask my heavenly Father for something, unless maybe I am afraid that He would deny me or that I doubt that He is listening or that He is able to meet my needs?

One of my favorite books is Catherine Marshall's, The Helper. I came upon it accidentally in an antique store. I believe the book is actually out of print and I have been so grateful to the Lord for allowing me to stumble upon it. In this book she speaks about the practical relationship that we have with the Holy Spirit; how He is our Helper in all areas of our life. He teaches us deeper truths from Scripture; He intercedes for us in our prayers; He is our protector and defender against the enemy and how He is our Helper in everyday matters or needs that we face. She also makes the point that He may be sorely neglected by most of us on a daily basis.

This book has helped me so much in learning to relate to the Holy Spirit as my constant friend; as an "ever present help" as He is called in Scripture.

So today, with the help of my friend, I am asking something of the Lord; a birthday present, if you will. On Tuesday I will advance farther into the 40's of my life and I have asked a gift from the Lord. For myself. I have asked for His provision for a plane ticket to Jerusalem. I have an opportunity to return to Shevet Achim.

If you are reading this would you pray that the Lord would give me favor for my request? And if you are reading this my prayer has been that both you and I would be assured of our Fathers ability to care for us. He is not only able, He is pleased for us to bring our requests to Him. He desires our dependence on Him in all things. He waits for us. To trust Him. To reach out to Him. To need Him. Continuing to depend on ourselves only hinders His plans for us.

So today I will make my request of the Lord and ask for His help and provision in all things and I will trust that what He calls me to, He equips me for and that He is able to provide good things for His children.

Be of good cheer, little flock. It is your Father's pleasure to give you the kingdom!!

Lord I love you and I trust You. How could I not? Just look at all You have done. You are worthy Lord, worthy of praise, worthy of honor, worthy of worship, worthy of trust.

The Steadfast

James 1 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I really like the second sentence and the idea of lacking in nothing. It is the first sentence that is causing me some issues.

I have been praying for steadfastness in my life. It is something that I feel is lacking in me. Endurance. Consistency. Faithfulness. I read these verses today and realized that in praying for steadfastness, I had been inviting trials and testing of my faith. Great :)

I guess it is a principle in life as well as in our walk with the Lord. We learn to walk by falling. We learn trust through being put into situations where trust is required. And we learn to be steadfast through trials.

Then it stands to reason that the longer we walk with the Lord the easier it would become to trust Him, right? So why do I still struggle with "surrendering all"? Why do I continue to worry, or struggle with selfishness, or act childish or need my own way? As many trials as I have had in my life I should be a pillar of something, a rock, a veritable fortress.

Hebrews 5 For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil.

Hebrews 6 Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment.

The truth is that as long as we live in the flesh we will bear the burden of the flesh. And the flesh is always at war with the spirit. Learning to come to terms with God and with ourselves and our past is part of growing up. And growing up is a hard business.

Father thank you for loving us where You find us. Thank You for sending the Helper, our constant companion, who leads us in the paths of righteousness. Thank you for mercy when we fail to follow. Thank you for covering our sins with your mantle of forgiveness; for being the patient Father who picks us up and dusts us off and encourages us to try again. You are so good and so kind and so loving and You ask so little of us in return. Remember that we are just flesh and blood and remember us for good.

The Faithful

Hebrews 11 For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets-who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and floggings, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated-of whom the world was not worthy!!-wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

And finally, the voice I have been longing to hear speaks the words I have been longing to hear, I have not forgotten the promise I made to you, Connie.

The sweetest sound on earth or in heaven, whispering in my ear.

II Peter 3 The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promises as some count slowness, but is patient toward you.

Patient toward me? Wait a minute, I thought I was being patient toward God?

And the Helper enlightens me...I am not living out the Lord's promise to me for Israel because of a lack of faith.

I have been listening to that voice that plays in my head from the enemy that says, You are not worthy. No one believes that you hear from God anyway. Look at your past, what you have done. You are not good enough.

And like always, he mixes a little truth with lies. I am not worthy but thanks be to God that nothing depends on our worth, right? I will clothe myself in Your worth, in Your ability, in Your honor.

Is that what You have been waiting for Lord?

If you will give Me your life, I will make something beautiful out of it.

So call me crazy but I am supposed to be in Israel.

For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day.

Mark 5 Do not fear, only believe.

Hebrews 11 And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.

Oh Father, thank You for being who You are!!! Thank you for Your unfailing patience with me. Forgive my unbelief. You set the whole thing up and I just walked right past it. I cannot trust myself but I will trust in You. Thank You for opening my eyes and my ears and my heart. Courage Lord, give me courage to believe in Your promises for I find You to be faithful in all things.

The Trouble

Psalm 77 In the day of trouble I seek the Lord...

Yesterday was a day of trouble. I wonder if we have any warning when our life is about to be changed. You would think that the earth would shift, just a little, under our feet.

Yesterday afternoon I was at my desk writing when I heard the crash that happened on the street right outside my house. It was so loud, like thunder, and it felt like the house shuddered. When I looked out my window I saw a tire, loose and rolling across the land behind my house.

Strange how so many things can happen at once in your head. Time slows and you can almost hear your heart beating. Adrenalin speeding up your body while it slows the thinking process to allow you to multi-task. I knew instantly from the sound of it and from the fact that the tire had been knocked completely off the vehicle that it must have been a horrific accident. And as I was running, a mental check list began to form in my head. Haley is at home, Ken is at the grocery store, Will is on his way to the house, the other kids are out of state. Thank goodness I am a nurse and can do CPR, but Lord please don't let it come to that. It's so cold outside today. Be near Lord Jesus. Oh my Lord it that two people laying in the street? Car parts everywhere and how did so many people get here so fast. Dogs barking, people shouting. WHERE is the ambulance?

In a moment your whole life can change. Everything comes down to this breath, this heartbeat. And suddenly all the priorities line up properly and we realize what really matters to us.

As I am standing over this kid laying in the street, wondering if he is going to continue to breathe on his own, I am faced with the knowledge that life really is such a fragile thing. Body's are easily broken. And in my mind the thought keeps running that this is someones son. This boy is the love of someones life. Heart's are easily broken as well.

In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord.

I don't know the condition of this man but I can still see his face. I pray that the Lord will be gracious and merciful to him and to his family and that he will recover from his injuries. I pray that all is well with his soul and that he is not in too much pain.

It is a cliche maybe, but life is short. One thing I have learned in my career as a nurse is that you better say what you need to NOW. Take the vacation now; lay up treasure in heaven now; be reconciled to God now because you never know when a day of trouble will come to you. I want to live until I die, don't you? And I want that life to count for Christ.

The Gospel

Hebrews 2 Therefore, we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it. For since the message declared by angels proved to be reliable, and every transgression or disobedience received a just retribution, how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?

I wonder...What if the early church and the spreading of the gospel had been left to you and me. Imagine that we and a group of our friends had been disciples of Jesus and He had charged us with the command to take this gospel of good news to all the world. Where would it be now? What would the world look like for the kingdom if it were up to us to deliver it?

Romans 10 How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in Him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the Good News! But they have not all obeyed the gospel.

And how shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?

Aren't you glad that someone shared the gospel of Christ with you?

So many have influenced me for Christ. Dr. Charles Stanley, Corrie Ten Boom, Catherine Marshall, Henry Blackaby, Oswald Chambers, Max Lucado... Just to name a few. So many Sunday School and Vacation Bible School teachers, pastors and missionaries, friends and family have been willing to be poured out for Christ into the lives of others.

I am so grateful that I was raised in church and that I have a mother who lived a life in front of me that reflected her love for Christ. I am grateful that God gave me such a love for reading and that so many were willing to share their stories in print. For the singers, speakers, teachers, the Bible man who came to our elementary school and countless others, too many to mention, who shared Christ with me....thank you.

The Gate

Matthew 7 Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

What is the difference in faithful or fanatic; devout or delusional? What does it mean to be sold out for Christ and why can't I seem to do it consistently?

For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life.

It is hard to deny self. It takes more than self-control. You must be Christ controlled to refuse to watch, to touch or to own some things. We live in a society that teaches indulgence to our desires; a visually stimulating world that suggest that we really can have it all and that there is virtually nothing beyond our grasp. The world tells us that life is short and your dreams are just waiting to be fulfilled, no matter what they are. After all, it's all about YOU baby!!

For the gate is wide and the way is easy and those that enter by it are many. But where does it lead?

I think that, for me at least, being consistent in faithfulness is a struggle because I get so focused on the journey rather than the destination. I can't see the end so therefore I don't trust that I can get there.

A couple of years ago Ken took me to Vail to ski for the first time. I started on a bunny slope and that was not too scary and it was fun. I fell a couple of times but the slope was easy and I was never in any danger. When we got off the lift the second time Ken had made a mistake and we were on a blue slope. At first it didn't look too bad but we came around a curve and it was like looking into an abyss. We were so high and the slope was so steep and I was terrified. It was too much; too difficult. I could not enjoy the beauty of the scenery or the freedom of skiing. I couldn't even fathom reaching the bottom or feeling accomplished. It was just too much.

Perhaps this a lesson best learned from Christ.

Hebrews 12 Looking to Jesus the founder and perfecter of our faith who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood...It is for discipline that you have to endure...therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet.

And walk the narrow way...to life.

After trying to ski down, trying to walk down, laughter and tears, I got a ride down in a basket with ski patrol. I didn't have what it takes to endure the difficult slopes, to press on for the prize of completing the task at hand. Hopefully I am better at walking the pathway to life than skiing.

The Peace

Ephesians 2 And He came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through Him we both have access in one spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

And with those words I feel the peace of the Lord in my heart. The peace, that for the last couple of weeks, has been elusive. I am relearning and old lesson; only Christ brings peace into our lives. Only a relationship with Him brings the peace that passes all understanding. Every time that I allow my focus to shift from my relationship with Him to anything else my peace begins to drift away.

And the world is full of pretty distractions.

Maybe it is because I am getting a little older, or hopefully a little wiser, but I am not quite as easily distracted as when I was younger. I don't really care for sports cars; I don't feel like something is missing from my life because I do not have a fur; I am quite content with the engagement set that I have already and I don't stay awake at night mourning the fact that I don't own a private jet. But I do have a treasure chest. A wooden box where I store all the things that I think I cannot live without. All my jewels and trinkets. And I lord over it with fierce possessiveness. My one area of control. My treasure.

But does it bring me peace? Actually it has the opposite effect. What if I lost it? What if the Lord asked me to give it away? What if it was stolen? And these are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Matthew 6 Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Our sermon last Sunday was entitled, Love is not selfish. The question was asked, In what area of your life must you always have your own way? And I knew that answer immediately. My home. My treasure box and the source of some of my anxiety.

But what if I gave it back to the Lord (since He owns it anyway)? What if I opened my home to His service and shared it with others like He shares it with me? What if I took a proper perspective and realized that I am only a steward of these few things that are here? What if I loosened my grasp on this earth and focused my heart on the only thing I possess that is eternal?

And He came and preached peace....Through relationship and reconciliation to the Father.

In Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

Little idols in our lives. Always seeking to draw us away from the one thing that saves us and brings true contentment and happiness; being found in Christ.

Philippians 4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things...practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

The Body

Romans 12 For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgement, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches; in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in his generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

We truly are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your body works constantly to maintain homeostasis, or stability within itself. Your kidneys, lungs and heart work alongside your brain, vascular system and skin so that the many parts functioning together allows you to dance, to ski, to work a puzzle, escape from a threat or stabilize dehydration.

A well functioning body is such a beautiful picture of the church, as it should be. The opposite is also true.

Our body can come under attack from cancer or autoimmune disorders that wage war and bring death and destruction to the body. What may start as a single cell can bring about certain death in a very short period of time. Sometimes the body is hard to control; it has a will of its own. Have you ever tried to sleep when your body does not want to or try to tell yourself that you do not have to use the bathroom because there is not one handy? Ever try to convince yourself that you are not hungry or thirsty?

Living outside of God's plan for us is like trying to convince yourself that you are what you aren't. Like putting a round peg in a square hole. Life can become uncomfortable; a poor fit.

Is that where you are or am I the only one?

The body functions well when everyone does their own part; when I am not trying to be an ear if I am an eye, or a round peg if I am a square. My life functions pretty well when I know that I am living the life that God planned for me, not to perfection or in my own ability, but when I am content with where He has me and I live within His plan.

As I was praying that the Lord would give me grace to grow where He plants me and to follow where He leads, He gave me these verses...

Isaiah 58 Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke? Is is not to divide your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into the house; when you see the naked, to cover him; and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth; and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry and He will say, Here I am. If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom will become like midday, and the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins; you will raise up the age-old foundation; and you will be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the streets in which to dwell.

Father thank You for speaking to my heart the desires and plans that You have for me. You have already done enough for me to say that I have placed my trust in You. Speak clearly to me the path that You have chosen and given me the courage to follow You. Be pleased Lord and remember me for good.

The Sinner

Luke 7 One of the Pharisees asked Him to eat with him, and He went into the Pharisee's house and took His place at the table. And behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that He was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head and kissed His feet and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he said to himself, If this man were a prophet, He would have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner. And Jesus answering said to him, Simon, I have something to say to you. And he answered, Say on, Teacher.

It is interesting to me that we see so clearly the sins of others rather than our own.

What great love the Father has for us that He would be willing to become a man, flesh and blood and live among us. Sometimes I forget what an awesome sacrifice that was for Him. Holy God taking on flesh and living as a mortal. Amazing love. Amazing patience.

One of the greatest tragedies in the life of believer, or simply the religious, is to reach the point that we are unaware of our sin. If we keep the list of do's and don'ts, if we go to church, if we pray, read our Bible or sing in the choir then somehow that makes us immune to sin. We suppose that God will see our good and it will certainly outweigh our bad and then we feel okay with ourselves. And that makes it easier to find fault in others.

Take the woman of the city, for example. We might assume that she was a prostitute or some other unsavory woman, certainly unfit to touch the Lord. Who was this woman who considered herself of value and entered into the house of the Pharisee? And what was the Teacher thinking by allowing Himself to be polluted by her touch? Maybe He was no prophet at all.

Aren't you glad that Jesus looked beyond the behavior of the woman and looked instead at the condition of her heart? I am. Sometimes my behavior is not that pretty.

Just like the woman in this story, Jesus looked beyond my faults and sins. He was able to look beyond my behavior and decisions. He alone could see what I could be, who I could be. He has that rarest of love that looks beyond everything that we do or say and loves the person that He created, the person we would have been in a world where sin had never been introduced. He sees our brokenness and He is moved to compassion. Without shaming us, without pulling away from our filthiness. Instead of drawing back, He draws near. Embracing our sin and shame and taking it upon His own flesh, He loves us to repentance. His unfailing kindness and unconditional love draws us into relationship with Him and the more He loves us and the more of Himself He gives to us, the more like Him we become.

Jesus sees the condition of our heart. Her heart was broken over her sin and her life and that is the kind of heart that the Teacher is searching for; and that is the lesson of the Pharisee and the woman of the city.

A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they could not pay, he cancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love Him more? Simon answered, The one, I suppose, for whom He cancelled the larger debt....Then turning toward the woman He said to Simon, Do you see this woman?...Her sins, which are many, are forgiven-for she loved much.

It takes courage to come to Jesus as we are. We fear He will reject us because He will not be able to bear our sin.

He is able. He is willing. He is waiting for us.

I was that woman. So ugly on the inside that I could not bear to lift my eyes to the One who could heal me, so He came to me. He is the lifter of my head. Clothing me in His own honor; dressing me in the garments of His own holiness. He alone loves enough to take a woman of the city and make her His bride.

The Creator

Psalm 51 Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that You may be justified in Your words and blameless in Your judgment... Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being, and You teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.... Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from Your presence, and take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will return to You.... For You will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

Ever try to squeeze a size 12 body into a size 6 jeans? Covering up sin in your life is a lot like that. Even if you are able to achieve it, it's not pretty.

David had a real mess on his hands and nothing he was doing to try to cover it up was working. In fact, the more he tried to manipulate the situation to his benefit the worse it got.

Have you been there? Me too.

Finally, and I am speculating here, David seemed to have regained some control. Uriah was dead and Bathsheba was in David's house carrying David's child and maybe given enough time the whole mess would blow over. And then Nathan the prophet comes and confronts David with the fact that nothing is hidden from God. Not the sin, not the cover up, not the intent of his heart. All things are laid open and bare to Him with whom we have to do. You can't get anything over on God.

If David had one thing right it was his apology. No excuses, no lies, no bargaining. It must have felt good to just finally come clean and say...

Have mercy on me, O God. I know my transgression, it is ever before my eyes. I was born into sin and continue in it until this day. Purge me. Wash me. Don't leave me Lord. Cast me not away. Deliver me and allow me to tell others of the redemptive work that You have done in my life. Create in me a clean heart and renew in me clear thinking and a right spirit. My sacrifice to You is a broken spirit and a contrite heart.

If your life has not fallen apart at some point, it probably will. If you make a mess of everything look to David. Be honest. He already knows you are a mess. Just agree with Him and allow Him to be the mender of your life. He is the restorer of your soul. The creator of a clean heart. It is His specialty He lives to make intercession for you.

Father thank You for the story of David and Bathsheba. It is one of my favorites. You loved David, despite his behavior and the mess he made of things and You have not changed from that time to this. Thank You for loving me even when I could not love myself and when I found myself in a place where no one else could love me either. Only You can create a clean heart and renew a life that is broken. It is Your good pleasure to do so.

The Foundation

Matthew 7 Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts of them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.

Laying a good foundation is more important than well laid plans.

Have you ever planned something and thought you had done so well; paid attention to the details and thought it would work out perfectly only to find yourself in a nightmare of your own making? Sometimes it just happens. And sometimes it happens when we step outside of God's plan and go it on our own. Sometimes things come along that seem so perfect for us that we don't even need to ask God about it, we just jump right in.

I happen to find myself in that very uncomfortable position right at this moment. I have gone to quite a lot of trouble and expense to bring us right into the path of blowing winds and torrential rain.

Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell-and great was its fall.

Recently a perfect opportunity presented itself to me in the form of a travel job in Denver, CO. It was day shift at my favorite hospital and in my favorite place to live. A perfect package all wrapped up for me. So, it must be from the Lord, right? Everything about it was made for me so without really giving it much thought and kind of just informing everyone of my plans we headed out.

Over the last couple of weeks either one of two things has happened; one may be that I am finally having the mental breakdown I deserve or I have stepped completely out of the Lord's plans for me. Either way, my foundation is slipping.

Did you ever steal anything as a kid or maybe you got caught in a lie? Remember that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach? Yeah, I have had that for the last week. Can't sleep. No appetite. Hard to look anyone in the eye. Guilty conscience with a little bit of shame mixed in.

Suddenly your prayers don't seem to go anywhere and they sound kind of flat or you try to read your Bible it just makes your stomach hurt and you just want to run away.

Some mistakes are costlier than others. This one is very inconvenient and expensive and I feel very foolish and my pride hurts a little. So I will make some calls and some apologies and share my foolishness with anyone reading this because it is cheaper than therapy and maybe confession really is good for the soul. My family will forgive me again, I hope and I will recover and hopefully learn a lesson.

A well laid foundation is better than well laid plans.

It reminds me of the song that says, On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is shifting sand. All other ground is shifting sand.

Father thank you for Your redemptive work in my life and for loving me no matter how ridiculous I can be. Forgive me for the times that I step out on my own without any thought of bringing all things to You and looking to You for direction. Thank you for that terribly uncomfortable feeling that I get when I know I have run ahead or lagged behind. Give to me this day and every day, my daily bread and forgive me of my trespass.

The Master

Matthew 6 No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

I remember when I announced to my small world that the Lord was speaking to me about becoming a nurse and had given me a heart for Israel. It was like a had grown a second head. That was almost ten years ago and the Lord still confirms that in my heart. He is, after all, a God who does not change and I am a nurse with a heart for Israel so maybe I do not change too much either. But I must tell you that something unexpected is happening to me. I have grown to despise being a nurse.

My plan initially, and I felt such a strong urging from the Lord in this matter, was to finish nursing school, work as a nurse for a year, travel as a nurse for a year and then either join the International Red Cross or something along that line and I felt sure that the Lord would provide an avenue for me in Israel. An initially that plan worked.

I did well in nursing school and have done well as a nurse. I put in my year and I traveled for a year and then last year I took my first trip for mission type work to Jerusalem. And since that time my work as a nurse has began to lose its lustre to me. I find it tedious and a little frightening, monotonous and unfulfilling. An ever growing source of irritation and every day the thought grows in me that I have taken a gift from the Lord and used it for my own personal benefit. I feel like Ananias.

You remember Ananias, don't you? He sold a piece of property and kept back some of the money of that sale for himself and then he, along with his wife Sapphira, brought the rest of the money to the church while claiming that they were giving it all to the Lord.

This has been a hard concept for me. I believe that people should earn a living, be a responsible member of society and that you can share your faith and show the love of Christ to others in almost any profession and certainly in nursing. I have committed no real sin in my career and there have been many times that I felt that the Lord was pleased with my work and that I had made a real difference in someone's life by being their nurse. So....what?

I believe it may be this...nursing was given to me, for a time at least, for service to the Lord and not for money alone and that I am abusing the trust that was given to me by Him and for Him. And because of that it has become a master in my life. It has become sin to me. Not the act of nursing, which I still love, but the fact that I am earning a living as a nurse and giving none of it back to the Lord for service.

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

But seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Nursing is a fine and noble career no doubt and just as there is nothing wrong with selling a home and keeping the money for yourself there is nothing wrong with working for your living as long as you are not lying about who you are and what you are doing and who and what you are doing it for.

The Burden

Matthew 11 At that time, Jesus declared, I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children, yes, Father, for such was Your gracious will. All things have been handed over to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no on knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal Him.

Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for you souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

To whom much is given, much is required.

For the last five days I have been struggling within myself over a career move. Unable to sleep or focus because I cannot seem to reach a decision that I can be content with. That I can live with. So this morning I open my Bible needing to hear from the Lord on this issue and, just like always, I find Him so much more than I had hoped for.

He is childlike in matters of faith. Always getting right to the heart of the issue. Jesus, in his earthy walk, could bypass all of our baggage and get right to the center of our problems. Right to the source of our weakness. While I have been anxious and fearful about how to survive on less money, or what people will think if I take a year off work to write or how it will affect my career if I am not working and on and on... He cuts right to the heart of the matter. My problem is not work. It is not money. It matters not at all what others think of it. My anxiety comes from not fixing my eyes on Him. The answer is so simplistic that I have overlooked it entirely.

Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

When was the last time I took a leap of faith?

When I was a little girl my mother took me to Stevenson for swimming lessons. There was a great park there with swimming pool and I had lessons every day for a couple of weeks. It was awesome. We learned to swim and float and on the last day our parents got to come and see all we had learned and be there when we received our certificate. It was a beautiful day and I was so excited except for the challenge that had to be completed, the last challenge before graduating. The diving board. One by one the kids climbed the ladder and jumped out into the water where the parents were waiting to receive them. I remember climbing that ladder and looking down into the abyss, my mother treading water and smiling up at me. Expecting me to jump. And I just stood there unable to move. If you will jump, my mother said, we will go get an ice cream!! Unt uhm. No way. If you will jump, she said, we will stop and get a toy!! Hunt uh. Nope. Finally, and I'm sure she was getting exhausted, she said, If you will jump to me we will stop and get diapers for the baby doll!! And off I went, screaming all the way. She had made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She had cheated by playing to my one weakness. I loved to change that doll's diapers and she knew it. So I got my certificate, I learned to swim and I got diapers for my baby. Life was good.

Today I am a lot older and little jaded and the way looks darker and more unsure but His words have played to my weakness. What I really want is rest for my soul and, like always, I find Him a gentle Shepherd, lowly in heart and worth trusting for I have found no fault in Him or shadow of turning.

The Believer

Genesis 22 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, Abraham! And he said, Here am I. He said, Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you. So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him and his son Isaac.

So just let me stop right here. Is it any wonder that God loved Abraham? No questions. No hesitation. No bargaining. Only obedience. It would be easy to say that Abraham had walked with God enough to know that he could trust him or that Abraham had a covenant with the Lord and believed that God would raise Isaac from the dead but to imagine the kind of trust it would take in the Lord to one, know that it was the Lord's voice that Abraham was hearing and two, that God could be trusted with ANYTHING. I love also that Abraham got up early in the morning and headed out to do what must have seemed to him an unthinkable request.

What would happen if you told you spouse that the Lord had asked you to sacrifice one of your children to him as an offering and you were gonna load up the pack animals and be back in a couple of days? It is almost comical.

The fact that Abraham even considered this instead of thinking, I must be insane! is amazing to me. And if we are not careful, we will do the same. We will talk ourselves out of things that don't make human sense. While I am willing to admit that there are many people who speak for God and are obviously lying or mentally unstable, there are also many people to whom God is speaking and they are unwilling to hear.

Is He speaking to you? Daring you to dream? Calling you to service? Inviting you to relationship?

He who is calling you, is faithful. His name is faithful and true. It is His nature and He cannot deny Himself. So if He is whispering to you of great and noble things, of distant lands, of big dreams or the impossible....believe. Believe in the One who can calm the seas, raise the dead, heal the sick and speak the stars into existence for whatever He calls you to, He equips you for. The lofty dreams He places in your heart He brings into existence.

And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. And Isaac said to his father, Abraham, My father. And he said, Here am I , my son. He said, behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering? Abraham said, God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son. So they went both of them together.

It might be said that God will provide HIMSELF for a burnt offering. God spared Abraham's son and gave up His own and isn't that just like Him. Blessing our steps of faith and making sacrifices for us by the rending of His own flesh. His Son for ours. His life for ours. His sacrifice for ours. Merciful Saviour. Faithful Friend. Loving Father. Adequate Sacrifice.

The Figs

Jeremiah 24 And the Lord said to me, What do you see, Jeremiah?

Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel: Like these good figs, so I will regard as good the exiles from Judah, whom I have sent away from this place to the land of the Chaldeans. I will set my eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be my My people and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart.

And so He speaks to me....What do YOU see?

Today is about a good, hard look at myself. Am I just going with the direction of the wind blowing through my life or am I allowing the Lord to plant me?

I fear that at some point I stepped off the chosen pathway and now I cannot see a clear direction or a destination; lost in a forest. Trudging along and unwilling to admit that I have lost my way or the possibility that I have made a mistake. So, for this moment I will sit before the Lord and ask the blunt question, What in the world am I doing? Speak, Lord and I will obey because without Your direction I am floundering, hopelessly lost and without direction.

And He takes me to Jeremiah and asks me the blunt question, What do you see? And to be honest, mostly, I see a mess. Because at the end of the day, at least for my life, if I am not following in His will and plan, I am miserable no matter where I am. I feel out of sync, disconnected and disoriented.

So, again, I say amen Lord. You are righteous in all your ways and by agreeing with Him that He knows best... we have an understanding, peace is restored and joy comes back into my life.

So, what to do when you have made your latest mistake? Return to the Lord with you whole heart. Be a good fig.

I will set My eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down; I will plant them, and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord, and they shall be My people and I will be their God, for they shall return to Me with their whole heart.

Admitting mistakes is never easy but compounding one bad choice with another is worse, I think.

Father I find that when I step outside of Your perfect plan at any point I am discontent. I cannot settle for anything less than what I know You have planned for me. Again and again I find myself straying off the pathway; looking for butterflies, following the wind, smelling the flowers. Thank You for drawing me back onto the pathway that You have chosen for me. Plant me where You know I will grow best and give me a heart that knows You.

The Agony

Jonah 1 Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Ammittai, saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me. But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the Lord. But the Lord hurled a great wind upon the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship threatened to break up. Then the mariners were afraid, and each cried out to his god. And they hurled the cargo that was in the ship into the sea to lighten it for them. But Jonah had gone down into the inner part of the ship and had lain down and was fast asleep. So the captain came and said to him, What do you mean, you sleeper? Arise, call out to your god! Perhaps the god will give a thought to us, that we may not perish.

Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

This blog has been, for me, a bearing of the soul. An opening of the heart and mind to the whispered call of the Lord on my life. And, if you follow it, you must know that since coming back from Israel, it has been sporadic, at best. By sharing my innermost thoughts, fears and failures with my few readers, I have worked out in my own heart my victories and defeats.

I, who prided myself with telling you all the truth about where God was taking me, have slowly backed away into self. Fearful of the call of the Lord upon my heart. Like so many before me, having been presented with an opportunity to live out His promise, I booked a vessel to Tarshish. And like Jonah, I am becoming increasing aware of just how persistent the Lord can be. I am not foolish enough to say or think that God will allow His children to be at ease while being disobedient. God is a relentless pursuer, stopping at nothing to guide us into the path that He knows belongs to us.

So once again, let me share with you my heart... I am dying on the inside. Last night at one a.m. I am sitting in my beautiful living room in Denver, Co crying my eyes out. What is happening to me? Why am I like this? So scared to go work. This is insanity. It is just a job. A twelve hour shift, that I get paid very well for. A free apartment, utilities and furniture included in a beautiful resort. I am a good nurse and as far as I know I am liked by my peers as well as my patients. It makes me feel fulfilled and accomplished and proud to know that I have the skills to aid someone who is ill and that I have a genuine compassion for their well being. So what is wrong with me? I fear, nothing. Other than the fact that I am taking the knowledge and the skills that God gave me for ministry and using them to make money.

The last time that I was happy as a nurse was when I was taking vitals and dispensing meds to the children in Jerusalem. And even as I write this my mind says this is crazy. You can't live in Jerusalem. You have no money, no job, no backing. You don't know the language, you have nowhere to live, no family there. What about your children, your family, your home here? Lord, WHAT!!! What do I do? I will do whatever you say but how? HOW? People already think I'm foolish.

Jonah So they cast lots, and the lot fell on Jonah. Then they said to him, Tell us on whose account this evil has come upon us. What is your occupation? And where do you come from? What is your country? And of what people are you?

And that is the problem. What do I care of what people think? With every step that I have taken the Lord has proved Himself faithful to me. When I had no money, he provided. When I shaved my head, He blessed me more than I could ever have imagined. When going to Jerusalem in the first place seemed impossible, He provided a way. So now what? Will I fail to trust Him now? And how will I live with myself if I don't?

Jonah And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Even though I am not in the belly of a whale physically, emotionally I am in as poor a shape as I have ever been. Overwhelming fear, debilitating, frightening anxiety. On the outside, everything is perfect but on the inside there is trembling and unbearable frailty. How, you say, do you know this is from the Lord? The same way that I know He is calling me away to distant lands. Because I KNOW Him. His voice....that gentle compelling that pulls at my heart, the ever insistent lover of my soul who tells me that I am His and only He can know what will bring the deep contentment and joy unspeakable into my life and give my existence purpose.

Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the bell of the fish, saying, I called out to the Lord, out of my distress and He answered me: out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and You heard my voice. For you cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas, and the flood surrounded me: all Your waves and Your billows passed over me. Then I said, I am driven away from Your sight: yet I shall again look upon Your holy temple. The waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me: weeds were wrapped about my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord and my prayer came to you, into Your holy temple.

Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you; what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the Lord.

And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah out upon the dry land.

Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah the second time, saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it the message that I tell you.

I admit, this is foolish to the flesh but for the first time in my days, I feel hopeful.

Father, I don't know how. There seems to be no way. But I know You and making a way when there seems to be no way is Your specialty. From the Red Sea to Calvary You make a way for Your own. Take this burden from me or deliver to me a way to walk the path that You have designed. And give me the courage to face the day.