Song of Solomon 8 Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved? Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.
Arise my love, my beautiful one……Come away.
Maybe if I talk of you it will help this loneliness in my heart. Maybe I will stop looking for you or hearing the sound of your voice. Maybe…..
They were lovers, always in my mind. It was common to enter their room to find them in bed together in our suite. Watching television, reading, talking in their native language softly to each other, sleeping. It was easy to see how they would fall in love with each other and remain there. They were beautiful and well traveled and English was not their first language so they enchanted me from the onset. Well educated and well read, accomplished in fashion and business. They were athletic, fit and looked far younger than they were actually.
They were many things that I will never know and I wish I had asked more questions and made more time to listen but work is work and I seem always to be busy. They were wonderful. They were gracious and kind and charming and lovely.
They were also fated for disaster. His was to his diagnosis and hers was to him. His fate was sealed by his disease and hers was sealed by love. How could we have ever known
what was coming? How could we have predicted that we would lose them both?
It has been the greatest heartbreak of my career and one of the hardest losses of my life. They were not family to me. They were not close personal friends of mine. But a light has gone out for me at work that I cannot seem to recover. It is like a long rain that sets in for a time until everything in your home and in your bones feels gray and damp. It is like fog that will not burn off and reveal the sunshine. I have no rational explanation for these feelings. Maybe it is a combination of losses over the years. Maybe it is because they were exceptionally kind to me. Maybe it is because they brought laughter to the infusion room or because he was a natural flirt. Maybe it was her charm. Maybe it was seeing them snuggled up together during treatment. Maybe…..
Some people come into your life and leave such a mark, such an impression. And when they are gone there is a space that refuses to heal.
I want them to know that they are not forgotten. I want them to know that they mattered to me and that they are sorely missed.
I have always had such an abiding respect for my patients. For their courage, their stubborn refusal to just let disease have it's way but if you have read this blog before you also know that I can be brutally honest and today, I'm just weary of it. I want the time to come when there is no more death. No more cancer. No more loss. I am tired of you death. And I despise you today.
Revelation 21 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away". And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new.
