The Offering

Mark 1 Passing alongside the Sea of Galilee, He saw Simon and Andrew the brother of Simon casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And Jesus said to them, Follow me, and I will make you become fishers of men. And immediately they left their nets and followed Him.

I'm leaving for Atlanta today and for Israel tomorrow and I am thinking of my trip last year.

Do you know what was the most extraordinary sight for me last year in Israel? More impressive than Jerusalem, the Old City, the Mount of Olives, Mt. Carmel and the Mediterranean Ocean?

A bulldog.

I have never seen anything like him in my life. He was amazing. His owner was an Arabic man and he and this bulldog were on the beach in Netanya, just playing and training. They never took their eyes off each other and if a dog is capable of a look of adoration for a human, he had it. He loved that man. As they went through their paces on the beach I was very impressed but when he took the dog out into the ocean I just sat down and watched, amazed. The man was waist high in the surf so really the only part of the dog out of the water was his head. Another man on the beach would throw a small stone into the surf between the man and the dog, who just stood facing each other in the water, looking directly into each other eyes while the rock settled to the ocean floor. Finally, the owner gave the okay and the dog began to dive for the rock. Again and again. I was totally skeptical and thinking that there is no way that dog will be able to retrieve a rock in the waves and the sand. After a few tries the man on the beach asked if the owner wanted him to throw another stone. Without taking his eyes off the dog and with a smile on his face, he just held up his hand as if to stay stop, just give him a minute. Over and over he dove and I was getting nervous. What would happen if he failed?

You may find this hard to believe but that dog recovered the stone. It was the most incredible thing that I have ever witnessed between and owner and an animal. The two came back up on the beach, strutted actually, and the dog was just crazy. Jumping around, I swear it looked like he was laughing. The owner praised him and loved on him and the three of them walked away and I just sat there on the beach like an idiot with my mouth open.

Wow. What courage. Amazing trust. Such determination. Incredible. The dog never gave up. Neither did his master. The owner never rushed him. He never criticized him. He never doubted him. He never took his eyes off him. He praised his work and loved him.

Sound familiar?

Training in the Lord is not always easy. It requires perseverance. It demands trust, determination and a refusal to quit. Stones are difficult to find in the ocean. The waves can be frightening. But if we keep our eyes on the One who owns us then we will be okay. He is patient. He has a reward for us, held in the heavens that will never fade away.

I could tell that this was not the first time that this scenario had played out, but I was grateful to have the privilege of watching it.

It seems almost unbelievable that Jesus could say to the brothers, Follow me, and that they would just drop everything and walk away with Him. But in the Gospel of Luke we learn that Jesus was not a stranger to these men. In fact, we find that after Jesus was tempted by Satan that He returned to Galilee with great power. He healed a man with a demon, He taught with authority in the synagogue and then...He healed Simon's mother in law.

In chapter 5 He calls Simon to Follow Him. And Simon had seen JUST enough that when Jesus called him, Simon trusted Him and was obedient. And Jesus never took his eyes off Simon again.

I wonder if the dog ever thought, This doesn't make sense!! Why am I diving for rocks? Could I not just pick them up off the sand? I don't think so. When they were in the water together it looked like the most natural thing in the world. Maybe it was just scary the first time.

I'm sure Simon thought, What difference does it make which side of the boat that I cast my net on?

Sometimes God makes no earthly sense. Sometimes He asks for steps of obedience that look strange. Will I trust Him? Even when it makes no sense? Even when I'm in deep water? Even if I feel foolish? Do I trust Him enough to dive for rocks with everyone watching on the beach thinking that I won't make it and my owner is crazy?

I hope I am past caring what anyone thinks of me if it hinders me from being willing to give something to someone who gave everything for me.

Maybe this blog makes no sense. Maybe going to Israel makes no sense. Maybe my hair makes no sense. But I have seen JUST enough to trust Him and dive in.

I Peter 3 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous.

Luke 5 Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon's, He asked him to put out a little from the land. And He sat down and taught the people from the boat. And when He had finished speaking he said to Simon, Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch. And Simon answered, Master, we toiled all night and took nothing. But at Your word, I will let down the nets.

By the way....The next time you see me, it might not make much sense but I'm letting down the net and diving for rocks.

The Prayer

Isaiah 37 As soon as King Hezekiah heard it, he tore his clothes and covered himself with sackcloth and went into the house of the Lord...This is a day of distress, of rebuke and of disgrace...Thus says the Lord, Do not be afraid...Hezekiah went up to the house of the Lord and prayed, O Lord of hosts, God of Israel, enthroned above the cherubim, You are the God, You alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth; You have made the heaven and the earth. Incline Your ear, O Lord, and see and hear...So now, O Lord, save us, that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that You alone are the Lord...Thus says the Lord God of Israel; Because you have prayed to me....I will defend this city to save it...And the angel of the Lord went out..

Job 14 Man who is born of woman is few of days and full of trouble.

Life is hard. That is just the truth. It is a precious gift from the Lord. It has a divine purpose. And while it has times of complete happiness and contentment there are days that are full of trouble. While I readily admit that I am not threatened by the Assyrian Army as King Hezekiah was, I still have worries of my own.

This is my first trip for ministry. When I try to express my excitement and gratitude to the Lord for allowing me to serve, I find the writing of it so inadequate. The words get trapped inside my pen and are reluctant to be written. I had been on a spiritual high place.

But today, I must confess, is stressful. There have been moments during the planning of this trip where we have faced real obstacles. And in addition to that planning there are the everyday stresses of life to contend with. From acquiring tickets, financial strains, job search and working towards fund raising for the kitchen. Between the four of us we have five children and most of them experiencing such dramatic changes and growth this summer. In the past year we have lost a family member, traveled cross country, had a wedding, started back to college, experienced a music tour, bought a house, joined the Army, dealt with family drama and been involved with family reconciliations. Some days it seems like crashing computers, blown up engines, unemployment, broken appliances and physical illness are the highlights of the day.

So how do true believers and followers of Christ deal with adversity?

Sometimes we fake it. We say, When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Or, Just trust in the Lord and He will work it out for your benefit. Empty phrases like, Just suck it up and put on your big girl pants or, Just put a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Don't worry, everything will be fine. But really that is not entirely true. It is not helpful and it is not scriptural. A false sense of happiness is not honesty with ourselves or others.

Sometimes we are not delivered from our trials. Despite our prayers, despite our trust or our faithfulness. Sometimes God chooses not to deliver us to what we consider our benefit. People die. Children die. Jobs are lost. Spouses leave.

Some people walk away. They fall away. They say, Christianity is a crutch. Or, Is God really there? Miracles never happen to me. You make your own destiny. It's too narrow minded. It's no fun.

Father as I sit at this desk facing my struggles today help me to remember Hezekiah's reaction to tribulation. He tore his clothes, refusing to fake it with smiles and false happiness. He covered himself with sackcloth, refusing to fall away, saying to the Lord I will stay here with You even when You take me through the fire. He went to the house of the Lord, refusing to forsake the God He loved and had put his trust in. He prayed saying this is a day of distress. He acknowledged that You, the Only God, the One True God, rule all the earth. O God SEE me. O God HEAR me. O God SAVE me. SO THAT, and here is the reason, it may show all the earth that You are a God who is able to deliver us. Honor the fact that we bring our petitions to You. Defend us Lord. Send Your angel out as we pray.

John 16 In the world you WILL have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Jame 1 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

I Peter 5 Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Luke 22 Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done. And there appeared to Him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in agony He prayed more earnestly; and His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

The Husband

Psalm 118 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever! Let Israel say, His steadfast love endures forever. Let the house of Aaron say, His steadfast love endures forever. Let those who fear the Lord say, His steadfast love endures forever. Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side, I will not fear. What can man do to me? The Lord is on my side as my helper, I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.

I love my husband. I love to hear what other people have to say about him. People say, He is a nice guy, and he is. The say, He is handsome, and he is. They say, He is such a great Dad, and he is. He is a lot of things to a lot of people. He is the most generous man that I have ever known, he is well traveled and well spoken, he is great at all kinds of sports and is a wonderful host.

But do you know what he is to me?

He has given to me something that I have never known before, the thing that I cherish above all else. He gives me freedom. To fly. To dream. He encourages me to be, me. In every area of our lives from the way I decorate the house to the clothes I wear. From our travels to my career. This is his greatest gift to me.

This is a godly trait. In fact, Ken gives me as my physical husband what Jesus gave to me as my spiritual husband. Not a license to sin but the offering of trust. In both relationships there are some things that just cannot be. Both relationships require faithfulness, for example.

Matthew 22 Teacher which is the greatest commandment in the Law? And He said to him, You shall love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all you mind. This is the great and first commandment

And do you, Connie, take this man? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and obey him; for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad and forsaking all others will you cling only to him as long as you shall live?

Ruth 1 Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following after you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.

I don't remember which came first in our marriage....me loving Ken with everything that I have or his gift of trust and freedom; but we do not have one without the other. I do know which came first with the Lord. He set me free. And that compels me. He has captivated me and drawn me aside, calling me to relationship. To privacy. To intimacy.

Song of Solomon He brought me to the banqueting house and his banner over me was love...Arise my love, my beautiful one and come away....I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine....I am my beloved's and his desire is for me.

Psalm 118 His steadfast love endures forever. Out of my distress I called on the Lord, the Lord answered me and set me free.

Proverbs 31 She does him good and not harm all the days of her life.

Genesis 1 And God saw everything that He had made and behold, it was very good.

Psalm 84 For the Lord God is sun and shield, the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.

Romans 8 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Ken... We may not always get it just right and as long as we are flesh and blood, we never will. Thank you. Day by day you show me the Fathers love, a giving love. Steadfast love that endures....forever.

The Nonconformist

Luke 2 And she gave birth to her firstborn Son and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths and laid Him in a manger because there was no place for them in the inn.

John 19 Since it was the day of preparation, and so that the bodies would not remain on the cross on the Sabbath (for that Sabbath was a high day) the Jews asked Pilate that their legs might be broken and that they might be taken away.

Would this FINALLY be over? Would He be silenced at long last?

From the first day until the last day He was just too much. Or too little. Either way, He was in the way. And if we could JUST discredit Him, tempt Him to sin or crush Him completely then we would no longer have to bear the enormous weight of His words, the look of knowing in His eyes, the piercing truth of His teaching and the overwhelming authority of His miracles. But He would NOT conform.

Not to the religious leaders who wanted a blind follower; not to the people who wanted a miracle worker; not to the disciples who wanted an earthly kingdom; not to Satan who wanted a defeated worshiper. And because it was IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be anything other than a Holy Savior, an everlasting Priest, Almighty GOD in the flesh, we would not tolerate His presence. We could not bear to look at Him and His holiness.

The voices of the people of His city joined with the shouts of the inhabitants of hell to say, NO ROOM! NO MORE! We will not bear You. From the Holy Hill to the temple priests we all shout Crucify Him! Crucify Him! And even dead, hanging on a tree for our sin we would suffer His presence no more. Just break His legs and bury Him and let's be DONE with this. FINALLY, finally done.

Can you hear the echo of that sentiment today?

And louder still the voices of true believers that refuse to leave and will not be silenced.

We cannot help but speak about what we have seen and heard.

The world cannot bear to look upon Him because He is holy and they are not.
God could not bear to look on the world because He is holy and they are not.

So to bridge the gap, Jesus made a way. Through the rending of His own flesh He ushered us through the veil and into the Fathers presence. And by accepting the gift of His salvation through faith in His offering He redeemed us for His kingdom.

The sin in the garden could not deter Him. Death could not hold Him. Satan could not tempt Him. Nothing will destroy Him. He is inescapable. Relentlessly pursuing His own. He never sleeps. He never stops. He never grows weary. He never dies. He NEVER conforms. He lives to make intercession for the saints.

Psalm 139 Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me.

Hebrews 2 How shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?

Jonah 1 But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord.

Genesis 3 And the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord.

Zechariah 12 And I will pour out on the house of David and the inhabitants of Jerusalem a spirit of grace and pleas for mercy so that when they look on Me, on Him who they have pierced, they shall mourn for Him.

Philippians 2 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled HIMSELF by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

The Flesh

Romans 7 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the Law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing....So, I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the Law of God in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. O wretched man that I am!!! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

When Ken and I first married he traveled a lot with his job and I hated for him to go out of town for a few days. And I also loved for him to go out of town for a few days because I had a secret. A habit. It was something that I was ashamed of and loved at the same time and when he was out of town.....well, it was just easier. One of my favorite things was to build a fire in the fire pit, open a bottle of wine and have a cigarette.

I had been a smoker for many years and had quit many times but he really wanted me to give it up for good and I really wanted to. Until I tried to. And the NEED!!! It consumed me. Every waking moment. Relentlessly pursuing me. So when he was away I gave in. Every time.

I am an oncology nurse so I know the effects of smoking. I hate the way it smells. I felt convicted about it. It made me feel ashamed. But I loved it and that love was stronger than anything else.

O wretched man that I am. Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Finally, and I can't think of a better way to say this, God put His finger on it. Does that make sense? He called me on it. When I would pray for an open door to Israel, or for health or to live a life that pleased Him, smoking would come up. It was something that He had tolerated in me for a long time but now it was something that had to go. It was an idol in my life and He would share me no longer. Then the knowledge came that if I did not give this up there would be no ministry trip to Israel. Once again God takes away something destructive and in its place He gives grace, peace and gifts.

I have not smoked in a long time now. I gave that up for Him and He gave me something far better. We leave for Israel, God willing, in seven days.

Now to all of you who smoke, this is not a lecture on smoking. I could have used a lot of different habits, for I have had most of them at one time or another. There just came a point when it became sin for ME.

There are times when I miss it and I have to remind myself what I gained with its loss. Still...Ken is going out of town for a week and I have to tell you that I have thought about it, to my shame. After all this time? After all God has done? Even considering the trip to Israel? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

But in the end God will give more grace where it is needed and I will choose to be faithful to Him who called me out of darkness into His marvelous light. And just to be sure...Haley is coming to stay with me:)

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ my Lord and I can say, even when I fail, There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set me free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. Amen.

Titus 3 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, slaves to various passions and pleasures...but when the goodness and lovingkindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us not because of works done by us in righteousness but according to His own mercy.

James 4 Submit yourself therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

And when you feel weak, call a sister to help you and keep you accountable.

The Sharpening

Proverbs 27 Iron sharpens iron and one man sharpens another.

God is doing an amazing work in our sight. I have started referring to this summer as "The Summer of my Pentecost". Never before have I had a season like this one. Amazing revelations from the Lord in so many forms; spiritual truths revealed in His Word, this blog given by inspiration from the Helper, the gift of a new handwriting. So many amazing times of worship through porch time and divine appointments at Our Fathers House and at Silverdale Church. Gracious acts of reconciliation of relationships in my family and especially with my children. So many blooming friendships with fellow believers, especially my sisters in the lord. For the first time in our marriage Ken and I have the time for a daily early morning Bible study and God has faithfully met with us and created this wonderful bond of ever growing respect and tenderness between us. He has blessed us with joblessness or what I prefer to call early retirement:). We have enjoyed passing prayers and Scripture through emails and even on Facebook I see daily among my friends prayer requests, Scripture, words of encouragement and praise to our God.

This summer we have taken communion, waved worship banners, been anointed with oil, had our feet washed by the saints, discovered the joy of the woman at the well and saw and angel dance in white before the Lord. And now to begin the fall; a trip to Jerusalem for ministry during tabernacles, with Lili. My cup truly runs over. Flooded. Filled beyond the capacity of this common vessel; flowing over into life. Thank you Father!! You are always so much more than I could ever deserve or could ever imagine.

You must be born again through faith in Jesus Christ.
You must be called by God the Father.
You must be filled by the Holy Spirit.

And you need to be sharpened by another.

Iron sharpens iron and one person sharpens another. Like minds. Kindred spirits. Deep calling to deep. So many are willing to sharpen others. So many that I owe my gratitude. My mama and Aunt Jean who have been faithful all my life. Last Sunday worshiping and praying with my sisters and family. My Bible study with Ken. The love and mercy of my children and watching them grow into such beautiful adults. The new daughter that the Lord has given me. How could I do without you? So many dinners with the Morgans on the porch. Porch time with all my girls. Finally getting to meet Chrissie and anticipating all the new friends in Israel. Reconnecting with old friends all the way back to high school. Thank you for encouraging me, loving me, praying with me, praying for me, worshiping and feasting with me. Thank you for sharpening me for Him!!

Prov 12 The righteous is a guide to his neighbor.

Prov 17 A friend loves at all times.

Eccl 4 For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.

I woke up before sunrise this morning with one word from the Lord...iron. What? Is that all? I don't get it. I looked up everything I could find about iron and all the Scriptures I could find and nothing made sense. Later through a text message from one person and a phone call from another I was thinking, Wow, sharing Christ with others really starts to have a profound effect on their lives. We kind of rub off on each other. And the Lord said, Like iron sharpening iron. I had read that Scripture earlier in the morning. And that's how this is working. It comes in His timing, in His way. Amazing. Thanks Lord.

The Liar

Genesis 3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, Did God actually say, You shall not eat of any tree in the garden? And the woman said to the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die. But the serpent said to the woman, You will not surely DIE. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like GOD, knowing good and evil. So when the woman saw that the tree WAS good for food, and that it WAS a delight to the eyes, and that the tree WAS to be desired to make one wise.....

And so it begins.

There is a sneaking suspicion in our hearts that God is not completely good. Not entirely trustworthy. Not always looking out for our best interest.

Doubt creeps into my mind in a thousand different ways, insidious in nature, quietly compelling to me hear. Did God really say...Would He really love....Does He really speak...to you? What could you really do, offer or accomplish...They are all waiting for you to fail....again....and again. Doubt is a powerful enemy. Full of deadly poison. No wonder Satan chose the serpent. Quiet. Seductive. Slithering into the garden speaking lies, destroying peace, choking joy. Making life just a little bit less. Bringing God down to our level. Giving Holy God human traits of deception and lying. Planting a seed that says He is a sneaky, selfish God who would deprive us of good things so that He can keep them for Himself and for His own pleasure.

There was some truth to what the serpent said. There usually is. We would know good from evil. And we would forever be destroyed by that knowledge. God did attempt to keep something back from us. Our own destruction. But we chose the lesser things of the world. We traded perfection for a lie. We traded our crown for death.

Then the eyes of both were opened and they knew that they were naked. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden....And He said, Who told you that you were naked?

Who deceived you into believing that God could never use you? Never love you? Never build a kingdom for you? Never return for you? Never keep you forever, no matter what?

And Jesus said to them, I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.

John 8 You are of your father the devil and your will is to do your fathers desires. He was a murderer from the beginning and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Jesus said, I AM the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but by me.

Psalm 119 The sum of Your Word is truth

Isaiah 45 I AM the Lord. There is no other. I the Lord speak the truth.

And to my shame, and after all He has done, I doubt, at times, the One who gave all He had for me.

Genesis 3 Then the Lord God said to the woman, What is this that you have done...And the Lord God made for Adam and his wife garments of skins and clothed them.

Isaiah 53 He was wounded for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities, upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with His stripes we are healed...The Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.

Genesis 3 Then the Lord God said, Behold, the man has become like Us in knowing good and evil. Now lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat and live forever...He drove out the man and at the east of the garden of Eden He placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.

Still, even when we doubt, He refuses to leave us in our sin. Still providing a way of escape, a way of eternal life. Still trying to protect us from the consequences of our sins. He honored our choice in the garden to take the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil but made an escape for us so that we would not have to live with that sin for eternity. So He protected us from the tree of life until after the shedding of the blood and until we were clothed in the skin of the sacrificial Lamb.

Revelation 22 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city also on either side of the river the tree of Life with its twelve kinds of fruits, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nation. No longer will there be anything accursed.

So to protect us from living in our sin forever He shed Holy Blood, clothed us in the skin of the Lamb of God, took the tree of life to heaven to guard it until the time that we would be forever protected from the curse and be healed completely.

From Genesis to Revelation, Alpha to Omega, You are God alone. You are COMPLETELY good. ENTIRELY trustworthy. ALWAYS honest. AMEN. Come Lord Jesus!!

The Thirst

Psalm 42 Just as the deer pants for water so does my soul for You, O God.

Jeremiah 2 For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves out cisterns, broken cisterns, that cannot hold water.

It is early in the morning. My longing for the Lord wakes me from sleep. I am thirsty.

The last few days have been some of the best days of the summer. I have spent time with some of my closest friends and my family. On Thursday I spent the day with Kathy and Jennifer preparing for an event at Our Fathers House. On Thursday night we had porch time with my girls. Friday I spent the day with Margo and Debbie, Kathy, Chrissie and Sonya, Jean and such a wonderful group of women in ministry. My heart and eyes overflowed. On Saturday we had Maddies birthday and on Saturday night we had our last dinner to benefit the kitchen project at Shevet Achim. We had our dinner with Leon and Jean and had such wonderful conversation. On Sunday we went to Georgia for homecoming at Snookie's church and it was so sweet to worship again with both my sisters and my sweet mama, David, Ken, Beth and Maddie. To pray with both of my sisters was the most wonderful experience of the summer. What a great week and weekend!!!

But this morning I am spent. My soul is longing for another face, His face. His is the presence that I am seeking. His voice is the Once I cannot do without. I am thirsting for the Living Water. And that is how it works, how it should be. Filled up and poured out. We need to be both. We have to have both. Maybe that is what James meant when he said that faith without works is dead. So much of my summer has been spent sitting at this desk. The most satisfying days with my Lord. Ever. But that has been for a purpose. For preparation to be poured out in our trip. Jesus gives to us Himself, His Holy Spirit. Not for us to keep hidden in our prayer rooms or to be enjoyed alone for our own pleasure but that we would have something to offer in service for Him to someone else. He fills us up so that we can pour Him out into the lives of others. Isn't that wonderful? That is our God. That is my God. Always giving us the very best. HIMSELF!! Pressed down. Shaken together. Running over. His love so fills us that we overflow into the lives of those around us. We can only be filled by HIM, for HIM.

This morning I woke up thirsty. Spiritually. Physically. I came to this prayer room, opened my mouth wide and just like always He is already here, waiting to fill my cup to overflowing so that I might have something worth offering a thirsting world. Because really all we have to offer someone is what we have been given from above. We have nothing else of real value. No gifts of our own, no worldly wisdom, no peace or understanding in the flesh. All I have to offer to you is what He has so generously given to me...Himself.

Psalm 42 These things I remember as I pour out my soul, how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.

Psalm 34 O taste and see that the Lord is good.

Psalm 40 I have not hidden Your deliverance within my heart. I have spoken of Your salvation. I have not concealed Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness.

Psalm 43 Send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me to Your Holy Hill and to Your dwelling.

Psalm 63 O God, You are MY GOD; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You. My flesh faints for You as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Luke 6 The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them and they will fast in those days.

The Slave

Acts 8 But a man named Ananias with his wife Sapphira sold a piece of property and with his wife's knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles feet. But Peter said Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and to keep back for yourself part of the proceeds of the land? While it remained unsold did it not remain your own? And after it was sold was it not at your disposal? Why is it that you have contrived this deed in your heart? You have not lied to men, but to God. When Ananias heard these words, he fell down and breathed his last.

For many years I lived in bondage. Bound by all kinds of sin. Addiction, abuse, destructive relationships. I could see no way out. No way to free myself. So I lived in my defeat. Entrapped. Without hope. I had lived this way for so long that it had become a habit, my lifestyle. Comfortable. Familiar. Miserable. I placed myself and my children in situations that were impossible to bring us anything other than shame. Because I could see no worth in myself, I attracted people into my life who treated me the way I saw myself. Because I did not love myself I could love no one else, nor they me.

Finally, someone loved me enough to say, Connie, You are as free as you choose to be. At first this made me furious. No education. No money. No safe place to go. How could I ever be free? But it put a new thought in my head.

Sometimes the road to freedom is a long and lonely one. But for me, it started with a change in my thinking. I was held captive in my mind, primarily. A prison of my own making. I had given to others the power to enslave me.

And then the Lord came to me and asked for the keys to my life. If you will give Me your life, I will make something beautiful out of it. As I opened myself up to Him, He opened Himself up to me. He gave me a joy that, looking back on my life, should not be possible. He mended my broken places and bandaged my wounds by His own stripes. He knitted me back together and filled me with laughter and joy. He gave me a future and a hope, the hope of eternal life.

He had made me free already, I just didn't know it. He had paid for my freedom before the foundations of the world were laid because He was heading for Calvary before the world was. My freedom began with the knowledge that I was free already and choosing to walk in the life of joy that Christ had died to give me.

Galatians 5 For freedom Christ has set us free, stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery...You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from Him who calls you for you were called to freedom.

Ephesians 2 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you ONCE walked following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved- and RAISED us up with Him (already) and SEATED us with Him (already) in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For we are HIS workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

I Corinthians 6 Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, no idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such WERE some of you. BUT YOU WERE WASHED (ALREADY), YOU WERE SANCTIFIED (ALREADY), YOU WERE JUSTIFIED (ALREADY) IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST AND BY THE SPIRIT OF OUR GOD. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN.

I Corinthians 7 Let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to Him, and to which Gad has called him.

Ananias had a choice. He made a poor one. He could have given his choices to the Lord and been set free. Were they not his own and at his disposal?

If the Son has made you free, you are free indeed.

To you all: Walk in the freedom that Christ died to give you. It is Yours ALREADY. You just might not know it.

The Vinedresser

John 15 I AM the true vine and My Father is the vinedresser.

Last year I cleaned off the fence line in our back yard. I was surprised at what I found there. Several small trees had died. They had been murdered, actually, by ivy and other vines. Choked to death. Once the vines were pulled away the trees could literally be pushed over. There were standing, looking green and healthy, but dead. The vines had grown around the tree roots, wound their way like a serpent through the branches, green, beautiful and deadly. Some of the vines put on leaves and even bloomed flowers. They had bound the roots and branches of the trees so tightly and had been left that way for so long that the trees themselves died even as the vines flourished. From the windows in the house the tress looked green and healthy.

The symbolism is strikingly familiar. Life, even the life of a Christian, can be a lot like this. From a distance we look okay. We seem to be healthy. Thriving in our career, in our marriage, in our church. But something is silently and relentlessly smothering us, and upon closer inspection others find that though we are standing with all the other trees we are, in fact, lifeless. There is no real joy, no real power in our spirit, no real bloom of our own making. Sin is clinging so closely to us, forming such tight root systems and from a distance is indistinguishable from the true plant. We are bound by our sin, held captive and struggling even for life. And if sin is allowed to continue it will choke the life from us. We show the world a false bloom, a stolen leaf, a deceptive flower. A liars growth.

Some of our trees were able to be saved. The looked a little worse for the wear after they were stripped of their parasitic vines. The vines had actually made them look fuller and happier. They bore scars along their trunks and limbs where their tag alongs had dug into their flesh. Over the last year they have begun to put on new leaves and seem to be recovering nicely. Other trees were not so fortunate. They were lost. Too far gone. Not salvageable. I gathered them up and placed them on the street to be picked up and disposed of by the city. There is a noticeable empty spot where they should be standing, providing shade or a home for my birds. Maybe they became mulch and just changed form but are still beneficial in another garden. Maybe they were burned in a fire and destroyed. Anyway, they are no longer.

As I sit at my desk looking at my back yard I can see the vines beginning to creep back in through the fence. They grow quietly hoping I will not notice them. Sometimes it is easier just to let them steadily come. They fight back with thorns and some of them are an ivy which carry poison in their leaves and I must put on armor to fight them back. But this is, at least temporarily, my yard. I hold a deed to this property. These trees are my responsibility. They look to me for protection for they cannot defend themselves without my help. I am their vinedresser. The depend on me to save them.

Gardening is hard work. You have to love it. It has to MEAN something to you.

You matter to the vinedresser. He watches over you. You owe Him your life. He takes pleasure in looking at you. He fights for you. Prunes you even when it hurts. And there is an empty space in the garden if you aren't there to fill your spot.

Psalm 100 We are HIS people and the sheep of HIS pasture.

Hebrews 12 let us lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely.

Song of Solomon 6 My beloved has gone down to his garden to the bed of spices to graze in the gardens and to gather lillie's

Genesis 3 Cursed is the ground because of YOU...thorns and thistles it shall bring forth

Psalm 41 The Lord protects him and keeps him alive....you do not give him up to the will of his enemies.

The Trust

I Timothy 6 O Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to you!
II Timothy 1 Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you.

Who are we?

Every believer has been entrusted with the words of eternal life. We hold in our hands the pathway to the Only One who can heal us. We have been entrusted with the knowledge to lead a dying world to a Saviour.

We serve a Holy God, able to speak all that we see into existence. A God who created us so that He might enjoy fellowship with us. To bring us into a kingdom that He prepared for us with his own hands and blood. We have a God who gave to us all He had to give. And when that was destroyed by our sin and rebellion, He gave us Himself. Holy. Spotless. Blameless. Eternal God, took on flesh, lived a life without sin, died a death inhumane and rose again so that He might then offer to us forgiveness of our sin debt. A debt that we could never pay. A gift that cost Him so much, freely given to you. To me.

Going even farther He gave to us the exact replica of Himself in our friend and indwelling Lord, His Holy Spirit, who has sealed us until the day when we receive our inheritance as sons and daughters. An ever present helper who teaches us, encourages us, loves us, directs us and walks with us on our journey home. And to us He imparts the wisdom and power to share this indescribable gift with others who have need of it. We can bring them to their true Father and He will guide them home.

We are the light of the world. We carry within us the glory of His righteousness. We are entrusted to share the knowledge that we have been given to lead others to the Holy One, the Only One who can save them. This is almost unbearable in its beauty. That this God, this giver of all things including His Son, His Spirit and Himself, would stretch out His hand all day, every day to people like you and me is unbelievable. Yet true. And one day Jesus will come again or we will go to Him and He will bring us into His kingdom, the kingdom prepared for us and He will present us before His Father, our Father, blameless, spotless and clothed in the righteousness of His blood.

We were made for fellowship. For worship. For Him. For this!!!

Who are we? We are an everlasting covenant. We are a royal priesthood. We are a heavenly kingdom. Not made with human hands. Indestructible. That will never fade away.

O Father, fan into flame the fire that You placed within us at the moment of our salvation. Let us see ourselves as You see us. Let us see others as You see them. Let us see You as You are.

I Peter 2 You are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people that you should shew forth the praises of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Matthew 13 Again the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls who on finding one pearl of great value went and sold all he had and bought it.

Luke 12 Fear not little flock, for it is Your Fathers good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

Luke 14 Go out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in that My house may be filled.

Luke 15 Rejoice with me for I have found my sheep that was lost.

The Reward

Mark 12 And He sat down opposite the treasury and watched the people putting money into the offering box. Many rich people put in large sums. And a poor widow came and put in two small copper coins, which make a penny. And He called His disciples to Him and said to them, Truly I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the offering box. For they all contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her need has put in everything she had, all she had to live on.

I hope I get to see this lady in heaven, before the rewards are handed out for righteousness. First of all, the fact that a holy, righteous God would reward us seems...unfair. But that's our God. Better than we deserve. Better than we can imagine. God does not reckon acts of righteousness or kindness or forgiveness as we do. He looks at our actions and the intent behind them.

I am thinking this morning of all the people who have partnered with us on this trip. For all the people that have prayed, sent emails, sent money, came to the dinners and listened to us tell of the need at Shevet Achim. And then have given to that need.

Do you know what you have done? You have invested in the kingdom. You have invested in the life of a child. A child that you do not know and probably never will. You have helped to promote peace between the sons and daughters of Isaac and Ishmael. You have helped to foster an environment of hospitality, where families are fed and loved, like Jesus loves. A giving, doing kind of love. You may think that you have done little but I wonder what Jesus thinks of your offering. Did He think that the widow did little? Was He embarrassed by how little she gave? NO. He called His disciples and said, look at my daughter! Look at her generosity! See how she trusts God to meet her needs! She gave it all up for a kingdom heritage!!!

Don't let Satan fool you. God takes what we have, sees the intent of our hearts, and does miracles with it.

I saw a story recently where an American had saved 600 Jewish immigrants during WWII. Out of those 600 are now 7,000 descendants. Joseph had a family of 75 persons in Egypt and some years later Moses led his descendants,an entire Hebrew nation,out of that land into a promised one.

There is a day coming for justice. For judgement. For all things to be settled between holy God and sinful man. And there is a day set aside for rewarding the righteous. That is who we are. The righteous redeemed. Amazing.

I hope I see the widow receive her reward. I hope to see you receive yours. When God says to each of you....Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter thou in to the joys of thy Lord.

Luke 12 Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when He comes. Truly I say to you, He will dress Himself for service and have them recline at His table and He will come and serve them.

John 3 But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.

Matthew 26 Then the righteous will answer Him saying, Lord when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and gave You a drink? And when did we see You a stranger and welcome You or naked and clothe You? And when did we see You sick or in prison and visit You? And the KING will answer them, Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me....Come you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.

Amen? Amen.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in YOUR sight, my Lord.

The Story

Matthew 10 For nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.

We all have a story. Each one of us. How God found us. How God saved us. How God changed us. I love to hear other peoples stories. Each one unique, like us. Different in looks and lifestyle, different in where and in what our lives looked like when He redeemed us. That is our story, our testimony. Sometimes these are hard to tell. Or hard to listen to. They are personal. Private. Sometimes embarrassing.

And there are people who are dying to hear them. Maybe dying without Christ because they are not hearing them.

We have been entrusted with the words of life. We carry within our hearts the giver of life. We have in our souls and in our hands the power of God's truth that leads to salvation. We are the light of the world. God has given to us a voice, a pen, a computer, a platform and the means to share Him with a world that so desperately needs to hear. I feel desperate to share with You about what God is doing in my small world. He has given me a voice and a burden to share with you what He is speaking to me. So speak Lord. We are listening for You. Today he says to me...Repent. Take up your cross daily and follow me. What I tell you in the dark say in the light. What I whisper to you, shout from the rooftops.

Father you know all things. And You know me. You remember that I am flesh and that I feel so unworthy of this responsibility. Of this trip. Of You. Thank You for giving to me Your worth. You have made me whole. Your have made me clean. You have made me worthy through Your blood. Father give to me a voice that speaks only Your truth. Be my vision and voice. Give me courage to share my story. Take what I am and make much of it. For Your kingdom and Your glory.

John 8 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 11 I AM the resurrection, and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.

John 4 Many Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman's testimony, He told me all that I ever did...They said to the woman, It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is indeed the Savior of the world.

The Fairy Tales

Genesis 1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light, and there was light. And God saw that the light was good.

Our world is not the best place for fostering the belief in miracles. It is ironic, really. When we are children there seems to be a collective effort to teach us to believe in miracles. Some true, some not. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, David and Goliath, Jonah and the whale and the parting of the Red Sea are all talked about as if they are indisputable facts. Somewhere along the path of growing up we lose our childlike sense of wonder in this life.

Sometimes an older child tells us that only babies believe in Santa or we wake as our parents are exchanging teeth for quarters under our pillow. And suddenly the magic is gone. The veil is lifted and we realize that we have been deceived by those we trust most in life. It is time to grow up and face reality.

Sometimes the same thing happens in our church and in our relationship with the Lord. The older and wiser children of God explain away our miracles as "Old Testament" saint happenings. Some say that Jesus walked on water metaphorically or that maybe these things really did happen but they were for a season. You know, just to establish the church and get us going and that now we live in the era of faith. It is complicated, you see. Full of symbolism and metaphors.

Sometimes it happens when we catch our parents in the Lord sneaking their hands out of things other than children's pillows. Sometimes they are caught in larger lies and things that are just a little harder to explain and just like that, our fascination with "religion" is gone also.

So we go to church, read our Bibles and pray much the same way that we still celebrate Christmas. With dinners, presents and a tree. But something is missing.

It is the magic. We go through the motions but there is really no power there, no real joy. Things are done for the children's sake or for appearances but after all...there's no such thing as Santa.

How sad. And how common. For us. For the Church. For God.

Father thank you for the ones in our lives who believe that You are still a God of miracles and a God who honors childlike faith.

Matthew 18. Truly I say to You unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

Hebrews 13 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Genesis 1 And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good.

The Lion of the Tribe of Judah

Revelation 1 I was in the spirit on the Lords day and I heard behind me a great voice like a trumpet, saying write what you see in a book...

then I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me, and on turning I saw seven golden lampstands, and in the midst of the lampstands one like a Son of Man, clothed with a long robe and with a golden sash around His chest. The hairs of His head were white, like white wool, like snow. His eyes were like a flame of fire. His feet were like burnished bronze, refined in a furnace, and His voice was like the voice of many waters. In His right hand He held seven stars, from His mouth came a sharp two edged sword and His face was like the sun shining in full strength.

And when I saw Him I fell at His feet though dead.

So often God is seen like a jack in the box in the hands of a child. He sits quietly in some unused corner of the playroom, colorful and beckoning but silently waiting on our pleasure. Beautiful box, smiling Jack on the outside, magical, musical and always ready to spring out when I crank Him up. Like rubbing Genie out of the bottle. He pops out of His box, arms open, face smiling, tinkling music in my ears. And when I grown tired of Him and if He has pleased me with His surprise and obedience, I put Him away until such a time that I have need of Him again. When I am lonely, or sad or hurt or I need a quick pick me up. I remember the sweet melody of His music and the way He always makes me smile with His ready appearances. Faithful, happy, come when you call Him, Jack. Sad. True. Shameful.

He who has an ear let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. I have this against you. You have abandoned your first love....Repent and do the things you did at first.

Father forgive us.

I know your works. You are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot!! So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of my mouth. For you say...I am rich, I have prospered and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind and naked.

Like a spoiled child, bored in the playroom we reach for our God in a box, when we think about it.

John had the proper attitude when faced with a holy, risen King. Falling on his face to worship.

John 4 But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him. God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship in spirit.

The Writing

Isaiah 6:1-8 In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of His robe filled the temple. Above Him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face and with two he covered his feet and with two he flew. And one called to another and said:

HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the Lord of Hosts, the whole earth is full of His glory!!

And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said, Woe is me! for I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts! Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for. And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us? Then I said, Here am I! Send me.

Okay. If you don't believe in miracles from the Lord to common people, skip this one!!

In the last two weeks my handwriting is unrecognizable from the handwriting of my previous forty plus years and this the story of how that happened.

The following are excerpts from my personal journal and my joy journal (which are writings of my favorite Scriptures).

I am experiencing a miracle. I have been so intrigued by this change in my handwriting. I tried to think back to what was going on the day that it changed. My previous journal entries mention it but not specifically what happened. So the thought occurred to me to look not at the circumstances but at the verses that I was writing when I first noticed the change and what I saw astounded me. My handwriting did not change from one day to the next. It changed in mid paragraph. I was copying Isaiah 6:1-8 in my joy journal. At the beginning it is my normal handwriting and by the end it is completely different. So I looked at those verses and what they have meant to me me in regards to this blog and to the upcoming trip to Israel and to the work that He has done in my heart this summer.

I have been looking at Him and His holiness in character. He has been systematically detoxifying me. He is changing me from the inside out, taking things away and bringing things in. Different habits, people, job, my environment altogether. He has called me away to privacy this summer. And into my life He has brought Christian fellowship through strong Christian women, in person and over the Internet.

So, in the first part of the verses is His holiness and His drawing me into that holiness. And then the proper reaction to that, Woe is me. I am unclean. And that is how I have felt. Especially doing the blog. I feel unworthy of such a thing, unworthy of taking this trip, unworthy of being listened to because of the greatness of my sin and my past. I am unworthy of being in His presence. I am unclean of heart and lips. Then a coal touched my lips. There has been given to me a mouth of praise and testimony. Through the blog and through porch time and the dinners at OFH I have been given a mouth to testify of His goodness, mercy, peace, forgiveness and faithfulness. My guilt has been taken away and my sin has been atoned for. Hallelujah.

Then I heard Him say to me, Whom shall I send and who will go for Us? And I said, Here am I!! Send me.

That is the miracle of Jesus. That was my revelation yesterday. He is changing me. All of me. Even down to my handwriting. Only You Lord can make something out of nothing. Take what I have and make much of it.

That was on the ninth. The next morning my daily devotional was titled "Unlimited Vision" The verses were from, of course, Isaiah 6:1-8. Only You Lord.

The Gift

John 3 For God so loved....that He gave.

The greatest gift ever given to me was my salvation; given through faith in His sacrificial death as punishment for my sin. No doubt about that.

But today I am grateful for the gift that has changed so much for me since then. And that is this...that for a moment God allowed me to feel the weight of that sin. My sin.

Some people come to Christ and they are basically "good" people. They are not murderers or arsonists, they are not adulterers or ex cons. They were born into a sin nature and after receiving Christ they go on to live a life that is devoted to Him.

I wonder what it must feel like to be "that person".

Do they know how blessed that are to be free of the tortured memories that I have? To be free of carrying the burden of a lifetime of failures. Sin as black as hell itself. Betrayal. Lust. Addiction. Abandonment. Abuse.

Sometimes I question how the Lord would ever want someone like me. And then I go back and read the gospels. Jesus specialized in people just like me. The leper. The blind. The tax collector. The adulteress. The thief. The possessed. Those who desperately NEEDED a saviour. Those beyond redemption, beyond therapy, beyond hope.

And what does He do? He becomes sin for us and He becomes our good. He loves so much that He gives....Salvation. Hope. Laughter. Tears. A voice. A new song. A new heart. A changed life.

He loves us where He finds us. He loves us too much to leave us that way. He loves us enough to make us like Him. And that love compels me.

Philippians 1 And I am SURE of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

The Changes

John 3 ...A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. He must increase but I must decrease.

Something wonderful and supernatural is happening to me. Every morning since this started I wake up thinking about this blog. And I have absolutely nothing to say. Then, as has become my morning habit, I sit at my desk to read my Bible and suddenly the words come. They usually come in the form of some issue that the Lord is sifting out of, or into, my life. The Lord has begun a work of purification in me since we got home in May. He is changing me, changing my habits, taking some things away, bringing new things. He is putting me in uncomfortable situations like bearing my fears, faults and failures to the people reading this. At other times He leads me to speak to someone about my faith or my testimony or about His faithfulness. He is teaching me to worship freely in public. He is bringing new people into my life, putting me in social situations and allowing me opportunities to share with others His goodness, grace and mercy.

At times I feel overwhelmed, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes foolish, often unwilling. But mostly, just to be honest, I feel honored. He is God and I am...me. My God is not only a God that sits high in the heavens, worthy of the praise of the entire universe, He is a God that draws near. When we are unlovable, selfish, struggling and fleshly. As I give Him more of me, He gives me more of Him. I am losing myself in Him. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when He said that he who loses his life for My sake, finds it. He is teaching me to let go, to give in, to decrease, so that He may increase. And after all, that is what I want you to see, more of Him, less of me.

Acts 4 Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished and they recognized that they had been with Jesus....we cannot help but speak of what we have seen and heard.

The Confession

Matthew 16 Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, Who do the people say that the Son of man is? And they said, Some say John the Baptist, and others Elijah or one of the prophets. He said to them, But who do you say that I am?

So, I ask myself....Who is He, this Jesus of Nazareth? Who is He to me?

He is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, the Son of God, the Great I AM. He is Emanuel, the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star, the Messiah, the Bread of Life, the Living Water, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, Faithful and True. He is my Rabbi, The Word, The True Vine, my Savior, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is my Master, my Kinsman Redeemer, the Light of the World, the Holy One of Israel, the anointed One, The Good Shepherd, the Great Physician, the Rod of David, the Son of the Highest. You are Alfa and Omega, the beginning and the end. You are my sin bearer, the Lamb of God slain from before the foundations of the world. You are my coming King. You are the Righteous One, the Rock of my salvation.

You have been given a Name that is above every name and at Your Name every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess and we will raise our voice and agree with Peter ...You are the Christ, the Son of the Living GOD.

And it shall be that everyone that calleth upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.

The Moment

Give us this day our daily bread.

I remember exactly where I was when He came to me. I was at the lowest point in my life. I was a mess of my own making. I had walked away from God, from my family and from hope. I was broken beyond repair, sitting on an air mattress reading a book about vampires. It was a Friday. I still cannot tell you for sure if His voice was audible to anyone else but it reverberated in my head, heart and chest. It was louder than thunder. He called me by name...CONNIE!! I was on my knees and then on my face. In an instant He revealed to me my entire life. Every heartache, every loss, every failure, every hurt I had ever caused. The whole sorry mess. I thought I was dying and that this is what people meant when they said their lives flashed before their eyes. For the first time I felt the weight of my sin and how it had separated me from my God. Lying there on the floor He redeemed me. He is redeeming me still.

And then He said to me, If you will give Me your life, I will make something beautiful out of it. Those were the sweetest words I had ever heard. Even now they break my heart. I remember thinking, not even You Lord could fix the mess that is my life.

That night God not only changed my heart, He changed my direction. I knew exactly what He wanted me to do. Enroll in college and then in nursing school and be prepared to serve Him in Israel when He called. That was when the dream started.

I am in a large room, seated on a stool and I am there to speak to a group of Arab and Jewish women. The Lord is telling me that in order to ever share with them who He is that I have to first make a heart connection with them through friendship. So I begin to talk to them about things that are common to women. What do we as women want? Faithful, loving, protective husbands, safe and happy children, good education, freedom in faith, peace with our neighbors, clean water, healthy living environments, financial security, a voice. So the Lord began to teach me that nursing was a means to an end. That it would provide me a skill that would be useful and a doorway through where I might have opportunity to speak to these women.

Two years ago I was getting a little frustrated. I had been a nurse for a year and I was still trying to find a contact person in Israel. The Lord had told me that they would come but it seemed to take so long. That's when I met Kathy Morgan. My new daughter, Haley, was singing at J-Fest and she was dating Will Morgan, Kathy's son. I had seen Kathy once before, I think, but not really had an opportunity to talk with her. I noticed a necklace that she was wearing that day because it had Hebrew and Arabic writing on it so I asked her about it to start a conversation. And as she began to tell me about her friends in Israel that were in the ministry trying to build relationships in Christ between Arab and Jewish women, the Lord was speaking so clearly to me that she is the one. She is your contact person. Wow. Only God, right?

So, over the last two years Kathy and I have formed such a close friendship and she is my fellow laborer in Israel for the upcoming trip. Through her I was introduced to Donna at Shevet Achim which is where we will be staying in Israel. Shevet Achim brings Arab children to Israel for life saving heart surgeries and in the process they love them like Christ loves us in the hopes that not only will it build friendships between the two peoples but that it will foster an environment that will bring them to the love of Christ.

Just last week I was introduced to another of Kathy's sisters in the Lord who is in ministry in Israel. She is actually the lady who designed the necklace that Kathy was wearing at J-Fest, that she later gave to me. As we were sitting and talking she started to share with me her ministry over the last twelve years. She spoke about building friendships between the Jewish and Arab women by finding ways in which they were alike rather than focusing on their differences and as she was speaking I just wanted to shout. YES, YES LORD!! She was speaking my heart and my dream.

God calls us to His service. He equips us for His service. He gives to us a love for His work. Then He opens the doors through which He plans for us to walk through. Amazing!!

I know this is long but to write it all would be really long. This is really just the tip of the iceberg of what I could tell you about the faithfulness of God in my life. That is my goal for this blog. Not that you would see anything good in me or in my writing because there is nothing good in me, save the Holy Spirit and any of you that have ever heard me speak can attest to the fact that I can murder the English language with a terrible accent. I am writing this because maybe someone will read it who thinks that they are beyond hope, beyond help. Maybe God is speaking to you and You just can't believe that He is able to do something so big in your life. He IS able. He is faithful. He is willing to give us life, abundant, free, fulfilled and full of glory.

And we know that God works all things together for good to those that love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose.

The Miracle

John 2 On the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus also was invited to the wedding with His disciples. When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to Him, They have no wine. And Jesus said to her, Woman what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come. And His mother said unto the servants, Whatever He tells you to do, do that.

To me, the Gospel of John contains some of the most profound statements in all of the Bible. In the first chapter Jesus is proclaimed God, by Johns' testimony. That statement is reinforced not only by John the Baptist but by the Holy Spirit and God the Father as well. After receiving the Holy Spirit Jesus chooses His disciples and as He begins His ministry we find Him with His family, friends and disciples at the wedding in Galilee. I start to feel a sense of expectancy here waiting for His next move. In all of the build up of this story of Jesus' first miracle, one of the best statements in all of Scripture can be easily lost in the telling of the miracle.

"Whatever He tells you to do, do that".

This verse stops me every time. The rest of the story really depends on the servants' willingness. What if they choose not to do whatever He says? What if they feel foolish? What if they are tired of working this wedding? What if He is not trustworthy, who is He anyway? For reasons not known, they choose to follow Him and so the first ever recorded miracle of Jesus is told. The glory of Jesus is revealed and His newly gathered disciples are encouraged in their faith in HIM.

But for me, it is Mary's statement that lingers. It is her voice that speaks to me today. It scares me a little. Whatever He says...

The first miracle of Jesus began with the servants being obedient to Him. Who knows...maybe they all do.

Father, you know my heart. You know my pride and selfishness. My thoughts and intent are laid bare before You. As I take small steps of obedience to You, be pleased Lord. Remember that I am just flesh and take what little I have to offer and make much of it. Take my water and turn me into wine. I will trust in You that if I will do the going, You will do the miracles.

And many believed in His Name when they saw the signs and miracles that HE was doing!!!

The Struggle

Matthew 5:23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Today was hard. This blog that has been flowing so effortlessly out of my heart dried up completely today. Why? Lord I know this is from you. Your heart, Your words. What is wrong? Suddenly it felt forced. Finally, after an hour of trying to write it, He speaks. For the last few days He has been telling me that an apology needs to be made. There is someone who has something against me. I tell Him that I will do something about it before I leave for Israel but now suddenly He wants it done today. Today Lord? I'm not ready. Besides, why should I be the one to give in an apologize. This person has been so mean to me. Why should I have to humble myself?

The truth is that I don't have to. That's an option. He has given me free will. The trouble with that is that there are sometimes consequences to exercising my free will. One consequence is that I hinder the Lords' work. Another is that I quench His Holy Spirit. Another is that our fellowship is not as sweet. Another is that I miss out on His best for me. I could go on and on.

So after arguing with God, yelling at Ken, throwing my glasses, with head aching and heart pounding...I give in. I wrote a letter of apology because this person refuses to speak or even look at me. It was sincere. I am exhausted but I think God is pleased. This blog is nothing like the one that I spent an hour trying to write in my own strength.

Jesus said, Without me you can do nothing.

My heart rate has settled. My head is not hurting. My husband still loves me. God understands me willfulness. I'm ok. Because at the end of this day what I really want the most is to hear Him say.....Well done. I want that more than I want my own way, more than my pride, more than being right or having the last word. More than anything.

As much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Amen?

The Truth

John 21 He said to him the third time, Simon, son of John, do you love me? And Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, do you love me? And he said to Him, Lord, you know everything, you know that I love you. Jesus said to him, Truly, truly I say to you, when you were young you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go...And then He said, follow Me.

There comes a time in every believers life, sometimes many times, when our plans will not line up with Gods plan. Some people walk away, some become bitter, some pretend, some relent, some are reborn.

When I was young my mother bought me my first copy of Corrie Ten Booms' The Hiding Place and it changed my life forever. That was the beginning of my fascination with the Jewish Holocaust and my love for God's chosen people. About ten years ago the Lord began to do a work in my heart. An urging and ever growing desire for medical missions in Israel. So to follow Him I became a nurse and trusted Him to open a door of service for me there. I dreamed often of my first trip to the Holy Land. Walking where Jesus walked, praying at the wailing wall, shopping in the Old City, experiencing Shabbat with a Jewish family. Finally, in Israel I would find complete happiness and experience God in a whole new way.

Last year Ken and I decided to vacation in Israel for two weeks. I was still waiting for an open door of service but just couldn't wait to see it all. I cannot tell you how excited I was for this trip. Months of planning, many hours spent on the internet mapping out my own personal Holy Land Extravaganza. Look at me!! Going to Israel at last!! I would love them, they would welcome me, I would have this unbelievable experience with the Lord...

The trip started with a two day delay in Denver CO, a twelve hour flight through the end of a hurricane, missed our stop on the public train system which was in Hebrew, got lost with an extremely frustrated taxi driver, the hotel clerk hated us on sight, nothing open in the entire town for dinner except for one lonely Chinese restaurant, one hundred degrees at ten pm but it's okay because tomorrow....JERUSALEM!!!

The next day....the "short walk" to the bus station turned out to be an hour, one hundred degrees again, stood in line for the bus only to find out that we didn't have enough shekels for the trip, exchanged money again, the bus driver hating us immediately, were robbed (not the whole story) by a very nice little elderly man in Jerusalem which took all the money I had planned for a prayer shawl, sweating like a beast and now I'm furious!!!!! When we finally got back to the hotel "veranda" I cried for about three hours. I was completely devastated. I was ready to go home on day two our of fourteen.

Each new day seemed to bring its own brand of frustration and heartache. Every day was pretty much like the day in Jerusalem. The weather was perfect. The food was delicious. The beach was the best I had ever seen. And I was miserable. I skipped most everything else that I had planned to do. No Yad Vashem, no Galilee, no Petra, no Abu Gosh, no Jaffa. I was defeated and depressed. All of MY plans were gone. Where was the Israel of MY dreams. Where was my Holy Land EXTRAVAGANZA!!! I had longed for this, planned for this, paid for THIS?

Ken, God love him, turned it into a beach vacation and it was wonderful and salvaged, thanks to him. But where was God? I could have had a nice beach vacation anywhere.

My Father, in His infinite wisdom and kindness, refused to let me continue to view Israel through the eyes of a child and He gave me an honest look at His City. It was as if He said to me, Israel is not a fairy land. It is not a dream come true. It is not a heaven on earth. Do you comprehend nothing from Scripture? Do you not hear my heartbreak for Israel in every line of the Old and New Testament. I cannot use a child, Connie. I need a mature believer. I need you to will be willing to give up all your own plans and get involved in Mine. I need you to give up this fairy tale that is useful to no one and be willing to do the work for Me without expecting anything. I need you to look beyond the heat and the cultural differences and the language barrier and have a genuine love for My people. I NEED you to love them like I love them!!! I need you to love them like I love you!!! And then He said....Follow Me.

It's been a year since that trip. This time it is different. This time I am different. No plans. No expectations. No itinerary or guidebook. I have committed my plans to Him who called me out of darkness into His glorious light.

Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them and said Lord, what about this man? Jesus said to him, If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me.

I hesitated on posting this blog, afraid that I might offend someone. Let me just be clear that God orchestrated my last trip to Israel because of a childishness on my part. It is not meant to be a criticism in any way of the Jewish people or the country. God used those experiences to grow me up, it was my selfishness and unrealistic expectations that made my trip so unsatisfactory. NO one could have lived up to the standards that I was expecting, except maybe those already with the LORD, living in a heavenly body in heaven itself.

The Example

John 13 Now before the Feast of the Passover when Jesus knew that His hour had come, that He should depart out of this world unto the Father, having loved His own which were in the world, He loved them until the end. And supper being ended, the Devil having put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simons son, to betray Him and Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands and that He was come from God and was returning to God, rising up from supper, He laid aside His garments and took a towel and girded Himself. After that He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples feet and to wipe them with the towel wherewith He was girded.

For someone who didn't have a clue about what they did want to do with their life, I knew what I didn't want to do. I did not want to be a nurse. I knew all about that kind of life from my mother and sister. While it is an honorable profession, it is the very definition of being a servant. It is a servants heart that washes the body of those unable to wash themselves. A servants hand feeds the one broken by disease or trauma. Servants feet bring food to grieving families.

How great a love the Father has for His children. Since He designed us, He knows far better than we which careers will suit us best. Did He know that by washing and bandaging the wounds of others that I would find healing for my own soul? Did He see ahead to the times that by comforting the dying that I would learn to cherish my own life and the lives of my loved ones? He must have known that I would discover that in loving my patients that my own heart would start to melt and that I would begin to see the intrinsic worth of all people.

Being a nurse has taught me to become comfortable with touching someone else. There is power and healing that comes from touch. It helps them to heal and it helps me to heal. It is ironic that I discovered during my first nursing physical that I am color blind. This has been very useful. I have learned to ignore the color of my patients' skin or their race or social status. They have taught me to enjoy the little things in life like watching the sunset over the ocean in Santa Barbara of snow fall over the mountains in Denver or the sound of children laughing. Nursing has taught me that I was designed for His purpose. He equipped me with the skills necessary to perform the work that He would call me to do. And then He went beyond that and changed my heart and gave me a love for the things that He had designed me for. What a wise and loving God.

And to my friend, sister and fellow laborer in Israel...Kathy, you are never more beautiful than when you are washing the feet of His saints.

Isaiah 52:7 How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of them who bring the good news, who announce peace and bring good news of happiness, who announce salvation and say to Zion, Your God reigns!!