The Bystander

Psalm 23 Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will not fear for THOU art with me.

Job 13 Though He slay me yet will I trust Him.

Two of the most beautiful verses of scripture. Hallmarks of my faith.

So last week I went to the doctor for some recurring GI problems (I won't bore you with the details) but I had an exam, some labs, an abdominal ultrasound, and just since I was going anyway, they threw in a mammogram.

Ahhh! the joys of the aging process.

On Monday I received a phone call from the breast imaging center . They would like for me to come in to the office on the following Monday because there was an "abnormality" found in my left breast. An area that was "suspicious".

The earth shifted just a little.

And when I could make my mouth work I said no thank you to next Monday, I can come tomorrow. (Who can wait for seven days?)

When I hung up the phone I took a good hard look around the room. I am sitting at my desk surrounded by my patients who are hooked up to their IV's getting their chemotherapy. Many of them are my age, and for the first time, I felt their fear. I could join them. I might be in the blue chair soon.

The rational side of my brain felt sure that this was nothing to worry about but because of my work I know how things can be. Part of me was racing ahead to lumpectomy, mastectomy, reconstruction, port placement, radiation and chemotherapy.

I was no longer just their nurse, a bystander. This could be the last day before the day that I am diagnosed with cancer.

I was a little surprised by myself. It took me a while to get centered and say, Lord, Father, You see me. You know me. You control my life. So have Your way.

My repeat mammo and ultrasound were okay. Just compressed breast tissue and not a tumor.

I have a really wonderful life and I really want to live it. But I feel some guilt in this because I take care of a lot of wonderful people who feel exactly the same way.

I can't help but think of Jesus in this circumstance. I imagine He had a pretty wonderful life in heaven. Yet He chose not be a bystander. He joined our ranks. He became intimately familiar with our weaknesses. Our pain. He suffered hunger, thirst, exposure, loss, rejection, betrayal, torture and death.

He sat in the blue chairs for us.

Hebrews 4 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who in EVERY respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin....In the days of His flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to Him who was able to save Him from death and He was heard because of His reverence. Although He was a Son, He learned obedience through what He suffered. And being made perfect, He became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey Him.

Father I do not understand all the reasons that these things happen. So much suffering in this life. I do know that there is coming a day when all things will be set right. All things will be made new. There is coming a day when there will be no more cancer. No more pain. No more suffering. No more death. No more separation. I know that when this life is over, however it ends, whenever it ends, I will be with You. Forever. And that is enough for me. I love you Lord. Thank You for my job and for my patients and for having just a small taste of the fear that they are facing. Be near Lord Jesus. I need You.