The Soldier

Genesis 31 The Lord watch between you and me, when we are out of one anothers sight.

My son, my only son, is being deployed to Iraq with the United States Army. He is a combat medic.

We are hearing a lot on the news about the troops being pulled out of Iraq and the news media covers the President's statements as if the war were over. I wonder....why then are more troops being deployed, especially a combat medic?

This has been hard on so many levels. For years my son and I didn't see each other often. Another costly consequence of mistakes of my youth. It is only in the last few years that we have begun a rebuilding process so it seems particularly sad that this is happening now. He and his wife are also pregnant with their first child, my grandchild. And part of my heart lives in Iraq. Actually, several small pieces of my heart live there. Shevet Achim kids. Small brown eyed beauties with zippers on their chests.

What will be required of my son while he is there? What battles personal, physical and spiritual will he wage? Will he return whole to his family?

The Lord watch between you and me when we are out of one anothers sight.

Father....please.

The Bridle

Psalm 32 Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.

The last couple of weeks have been long. Packing, loading the truck, driving, unloading the truck, unpacking....We got home around three in the morning on Saturday and on Sunday Ken needed to drive to Cincinnati, another six hours and I went back and forth in my mind about whether I was going or not. In the end I decided to go. Another twelve hours in the car and two days of sitting in a hotel in the rain while he worked and had to ask myself, Why are you doing this?

I trust Ken completely so I never worry when he is out of town. I had a lot of things to do around the house, lot of people that I wanted to see and two days away from each other is not a problem, so why go?

On the way home when we were laughing and singing, talking about how much fun we had, all the cool places we ate, the much needed rest for me it occurs to me why I go with him. I truly enjoy being with him.

Be not like a horse or mule who must be curbed with bit and bridle or it will not stay near you.

Here is a bit of wisdom...Attachments that are formed from negative emotions breed negative feelings and reactions. For example a relationship with God based on fear will result in feelings of inadequacy and guilt. If we follow Him out of a sense of duty we will always lack effect and power in our lives. If we try to serve Him out of habit we will be lacking in genuine Christ-like love for our fellow believers.

Do we live near the Lord by bit and bridle? Fear or duty? Habit or need?

Or do we cling to Him out of the sheer joy of being in His presence? Does He make us laugh or dance or cry tears of joy? Does He produce in us an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the life that He has given us or delivered us from? Do our hearts swell up and our eyes overflow when we think of the price that He paid for us to be able to draw near? When He calls our name do we recognize His voice? Are we close enough to hear?

Song of Songs Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?

Ruth Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following after you. For where you go, I will go and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.

John 21 Simon, son of John, Do you love Me? He said to Him, Yes Lord, You know that I love You.

Father create in me a clean heart and pure hands. Teach me to be transparent and genuine. Instill within me a honest gratitude and affection for You, a pure love based on positive feelings of trust, admiration loyalty, respect and awe for the God You are, the man You are, the friend You are. To me. I love, love, love You Lord and I want that to hold me to You, and THAT alone.

The Beloved

Song of Solomon Arise , my love, my beautiful one, and come away....Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?...What is that coming up from the wilderness like columns of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, with all the fragrant powders of a merchant?

Albuquerque New Mexico to Amarillo Texas to Oklahoma City Oklahoma to Little Rock Arkansas to Memphis Tennessee to Wildwood Georgia to Chattanooga....in one very long day. Twenty one hours on the road. Home for one day and then drove to Cincinnati Ohio. I have so much to do at home. The house is dusty, the plants are heat stressed, the leaves are falling on the grass. I decided to come to Cincinnati with Ken for some rest. He is in orientation for the next two days and I am laying in the most comfortable bed watching the rain and doing, well nothing. And that is exactly what I needed. No shopping, no cleaning, no raking, no house project, no nursing.

Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?

Life is busy for us. Wonderful. Adventurous. Sometimes chaotic. And when I find that I have stretched myself too thin I look to the Rock from whence I was hewn. I need to be filled up, to find rest, to come away with my Beloved. My Savior. My God.


For Your love is better than wine; Your anointing oils are fragrant; Your name is oil poured out...The King has brought me into His chambers. We will exult and rejoice in You; we will extol Your love more than wine; rightly do they love You.

I could not go another day without some time spent with the lover of my soul. I can no longer function, or breathe without tuning out everything else and listening only to the sound of His voice, the reading of His Word, His name on my lips and His thoughts in my heart.

Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. The voice of my Beloved! Behold, He comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My Beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there He stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice.

Sometimes I find myself so captured by living, working, gardening, family and friends.... I am so grateful that I have this wonderful life but if I forget where that comes from....if I neglect Him, the most important thing, then that is just a tragedy.

I will rise now and go about the city, in the street and in the squares; I will see Him whom my soul loves...Have you seen Him whom my soul loves?

Scarcely had I passed them when I found Him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not Him go...Behold You are beautiful my love, You are beautiful. You have captivated my heart. How much better is Your love than wine, and the fragrance of Your oils than any spice!....A garden fountain, a well of living water, and flowing streams from Lebanon.

What is your Beloved more than another beloved?

He is the source of all things good and wonderful, the beginning of happiness, joy and contentment. He is the sum of all things, the giver of life. He holds my eternity in His unchanging hands, my length of days and the sea of wisdom. He is my sin bearer, my covering, my shelter. He is the boundary to eternity and the Rock that I hold on to. His arms are a fortress and there is no changing or shifting in His truth. He is my provider and sustainer, my defender and champion. He is the everlasting King, faithful friend and healer of my soul.

He brought me to His banqueting house, and His banner over me was love.

Come, my beloved, let us go out into the fields and lodge in the villages, let us go out early to the vineyards and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love. The mandrakes give forth fragrance, and beside our doors are all choice fruits, new as well as old, which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.

The Brave

Romans 5 We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

For the last twelve weeks I have been working as a traveling nurse in New Mexico for an outpatient chemotherapy infusion center. I has been a profound pleasure.

Oncology has always been my favorite patient population. We often find ourselves, and our God, during the most difficult times of our lives. I has been my observation that when we are faced with our own mortality that we are changed, usually for the better. In Knoxville Tennessee, Denver Colorado, Santa Barbara California and Albuquerque New Mexico I have found a common thread in patients that are dealing with cancer. Suffering produces character and character produces hope.

You probably know that cancer begins as a single cell. Strange. Distorted. Damaged. It has a rapid proliferation, almost an explosion of reproduction. What you might not know, and what is the most unusual characteristic of cancer, is that it is one cell that has no programmed cell death cycle. Unlike all other cells in the body, the cancer cell will reproduce indefinitely. It can hide itself in the tissues, in the blood and in the narrow passages of the brain. It has built in mechanisms of protection, strong walls, hard borders, virtually impenetrable defenses, fooling even the brilliant immune system which contains one of the most sophisticated armies on the planet. Cancer produces its own blood supply and builds in sources of nutrition. It causes pain, has a particularly smell of death and for many it is life's final battle.

And sometimes the cure is almost as bad. There is a very thin line between killing the disease and killing the patient.

But what a distinct honor it is to be involved in their struggle. To be their nurse, to hear their pain, to comfort their family has been one of the most rewarding and touching privileges of my life. They are brave beyond measure. They are kind, they are patient, they are scared. They are grateful.

It reminds me so much of sin, does cancer. Relentless, intrusive, deceptive. This unwanted evil in our bodies.

There is a lesson to be learned from the cancer patients that is found in the next verse of the passage...

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

It takes bravery to face all that life holds in store for us. We are challenged on every side and eventually if Christ lingers death will be the end result for us all. Life is worth living. It is worth fighting for. They have taught me that. I hope that I can be as brave during the storms of life as my patients are.

One last thought....one last question that must be answered in the struggles of life. What is next?

The Bible says, It is appointed unto man once to die and after this, judgment. Are you ready?

Are you sure? Life can be tough and without the help of the Lord it can be overwhelming and without salvation by faith in His grace eternity is frightening. You do not have to face it alone. There is an anchor. There is a savior.

The Homecoming

Psalm 126 Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like the streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts for joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

In less than three weeks my contract will be finished and we will be heading home to Tennessee.

For the last few years I have been plagued with restlessness, an uneasiness in my soul and spirit to find "home". Thankfully, Ken mirrors this in his own heart. We tease each other about being gypsies, bedouins or wanderers. When we are in Israel, we miss Chattanooga. When in California we long for Denver. When in Denver we dream of New York or Montana or Flat Rock. Strange.

Travel nursing has been both good and bad for our malady. It's temporary and yet by the time the term is up we are anxiously looking for next adventure. So, as is my usual in this blog, I ask the only One who knows...what is wrong with me now? :)

And my Father, gentle as ever, speaks to my heart, turning me towards eternity. I have placed eternity in the heart of every man.

There is a place in each of us that is ONLY satisfied by being in the presence of God. There is a longing at the core of our being to be with Him, to see Him, to touch Him and to be satisfied by Him. It is no coincidence that we are called the bride or that the reference is made so often to the marriage of the Lamb. We are His betrothed. He is our desire. And heaven is the place where the marriage feels consummated and we are, at long last, languishing in the arms of the lover of our souls.

So often I find that He comforts me in my weakness. I am hard on myself and in these hours before daylight He is with me urging me to be kind to myself. He speaks as a lover and a friend in my ear. Take heart my love. Rest easy. You will never be really "home" until you are in my arms at long last.

I am at rest. At peace. For Thou art with me.

The Choirmaster

Psalm 51 Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to Your abundant mercy blot our my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that You may be justified in Your words and blameless in Your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity and in sin did my mother conceive me. Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being, and You each me wisdom in the secret heart. Purse me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow...Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me....Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit...For You will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.

Are you hiding from God? Do you feel you have drifted so far that He cannot hear you or strayed so far that He cannot reach you or been so bad that He will not want you?

Like children caught in disobedience we fear the lecture, the punishment, the look of disappointment. I find that when God and I are at odds I just don't want to hear from Him. I will neglect Him, neglect prayer and the Scriptures. I do not want to be confronted with my sin.

This psalm was written by David after being confronted by the prophet Nathan regarding David's affair with Bathsheba and the subsequent murder of her husband, Uriah. And although, for a while, David hoped that somehow this had escaped God's attention, when he is confronted with his own sin he does exactly what we all should. He owns up.

Have mercy on me. Blot out my transgressions. I have sinned against You. Wash me in Your forgiveness and I will be clean. Create in me a pure heart. Restore my joy and I will praise you.

Erma Bombeck writes a funny story about the difference in raising boys and girls and to paraphrase it is this...If you yell upstairs to the kids and ask what they are doing the girls will say sweetly, Nothing mama, when in truth they are pouring a hundred dollars worth of make up and perfume down the drain. The boys will say, We are baptizing the cats in the commode!!

There is nothing that goes unnoticed by your heavenly Father and that thought scares me a little. The Scriptures say that everything is laid bare before Him to whom we must give an account. It also says that He loves mercy and is willing to forgive all things. You are not beyond His sight. You are not beyond His love. You have not gone too far. You are not alone. He lives to make intercession for your sin. He is waiting for you. Own up and be free. In Him.

The Brother

Genesis 27 Your brother came deceitfully, and he has taken away your blessing. Esau said, He took away my birthright, and behold, now he has taken away my blessing. Then he said, Have you not reserved a blessing for me? Isaac answered and said to Esau, Behold, I have made him lord over you, and all his brothers I have given to him for servants, and with grain and wine I have sustained him. What then can I do for you, my son? Esau said to his father, Have you but one blessing, my father? Bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice and wept.

How cunning are life and circumstances. How crafty is our enemy. Like a thief he steals from us, robs us of our inheritance and the life our father has longed to bequeath us. How can it be that our Father could have created one who chose to become so evil. How is it that our brother,so to speak, chose such a different pathway and turned forever his face from His father and grew into this formidable enemy who chooses to live this life of destruction. Greed is a very powerful motivator. Make no mistake, have no doubt of this...Satan does not seek only to harm you. He lives to destroy you.

Sometimes he almost succeeds. Today, like Esau, I cry to my Father, what is left for me? My brother has taken my birthright and now my blessing. What remains for me, my Father.

And so He speaks...but when you grow restless you shall break his yoke from your neck.

When you are ready Connie you will break away. You will leave the yoke of this life, break the bonds of slavery and be free to walk a different path. Life, bad choices, the enemy, they have all conspired to rob you of your birthright and blessing but I have not given you over to destruction. I have not given you up to death. I have reserved for you a blessing, a new hope, a treasure in life, a work to be done and a place in My kingdom. A life that will not fade away.