The Agony

Jonah 1 Now the word of the Lord came to Jonah the son of Ammittai, saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it, for their evil has come up before me. But Jonah rose to flee to Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. He went down to Joppa and found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare and went on board, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the presence of the Lord. But the Lord hurled a great wind upon the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship threatened to break up. Then the mariners were afraid, and each cried out to his god. And they hurled the cargo that was in the ship into the sea to lighten it for them. But Jonah had gone down into the inner part of the ship and had lain down and was fast asleep. So the captain came and said to him, What do you mean, you sleeper? Arise, call out to your god! Perhaps the god will give a thought to us, that we may not perish.

Awake, O sleeper, and rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

This blog has been, for me, a bearing of the soul. An opening of the heart and mind to the whispered call of the Lord on my life. And, if you follow it, you must know that since coming back from Israel, it has been sporadic, at best. By sharing my innermost thoughts, fears and failures with my few readers, I have worked out in my own heart my victories and defeats.

I, who prided myself with telling you all the truth about where God was taking me, have slowly backed away into self. Fearful of the call of the Lord upon my heart. Like so many before me, having been presented with an opportunity to live out His promise, I booked a vessel to Tarshish. And like Jonah, I am becoming increasing aware of just how persistent the Lord can be. I am not foolish enough to say or think that God will allow His children to be at ease while being disobedient. God is a relentless pursuer, stopping at nothing to guide us into the path that He knows belongs to us.

So once again, let me share with you my heart... I am dying on the inside. Last night at one a.m. I am sitting in my beautiful living room in Denver, Co crying my eyes out. What is happening to me? Why am I like this? So scared to go work. This is insanity. It is just a job. A twelve hour shift, that I get paid very well for. A free apartment, utilities and furniture included in a beautiful resort. I am a good nurse and as far as I know I am liked by my peers as well as my patients. It makes me feel fulfilled and accomplished and proud to know that I have the skills to aid someone who is ill and that I have a genuine compassion for their well being. So what is wrong with me? I fear, nothing. Other than the fact that I am taking the knowledge and the skills that God gave me for ministry and using them to make money.

The last time that I was happy as a nurse was when I was taking vitals and dispensing meds to the children in Jerusalem. And even as I write this my mind says this is crazy. You can't live in Jerusalem. You have no money, no job, no backing. You don't know the language, you have nowhere to live, no family there. What about your children, your family, your home here? Lord, WHAT!!! What do I do? I will do whatever you say but how? HOW? People already think I'm foolish.

Jonah So they cast lots, and the lot fell on Jonah. Then they said to him, Tell us on whose account this evil has come upon us. What is your occupation? And where do you come from? What is your country? And of what people are you?

And that is the problem. What do I care of what people think? With every step that I have taken the Lord has proved Himself faithful to me. When I had no money, he provided. When I shaved my head, He blessed me more than I could ever have imagined. When going to Jerusalem in the first place seemed impossible, He provided a way. So now what? Will I fail to trust Him now? And how will I live with myself if I don't?

Jonah And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Even though I am not in the belly of a whale physically, emotionally I am in as poor a shape as I have ever been. Overwhelming fear, debilitating, frightening anxiety. On the outside, everything is perfect but on the inside there is trembling and unbearable frailty. How, you say, do you know this is from the Lord? The same way that I know He is calling me away to distant lands. Because I KNOW Him. His voice....that gentle compelling that pulls at my heart, the ever insistent lover of my soul who tells me that I am His and only He can know what will bring the deep contentment and joy unspeakable into my life and give my existence purpose.

Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the bell of the fish, saying, I called out to the Lord, out of my distress and He answered me: out of the belly of Sheol I cried, and You heard my voice. For you cast me into the deep, into the heart of the seas, and the flood surrounded me: all Your waves and Your billows passed over me. Then I said, I am driven away from Your sight: yet I shall again look upon Your holy temple. The waters closed in over me to take my life; the deep surrounded me: weeds were wrapped about my head at the roots of the mountains. I went down to the land whose bars closed upon me forever; yet you brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. When my life was fainting away, I remembered the Lord and my prayer came to you, into Your holy temple.

Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you; what I have vowed I will pay. Salvation belongs to the Lord.

And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited Jonah out upon the dry land.

Then the word of the Lord came to Jonah the second time, saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and call out against it the message that I tell you.

I admit, this is foolish to the flesh but for the first time in my days, I feel hopeful.

Father, I don't know how. There seems to be no way. But I know You and making a way when there seems to be no way is Your specialty. From the Red Sea to Calvary You make a way for Your own. Take this burden from me or deliver to me a way to walk the path that You have designed. And give me the courage to face the day.