The Flesh

Romans 7 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the Law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing....So, I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the Law of God in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. O wretched man that I am!!! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

When Ken and I first married he traveled a lot with his job and I hated for him to go out of town for a few days. And I also loved for him to go out of town for a few days because I had a secret. A habit. It was something that I was ashamed of and loved at the same time and when he was out of town.....well, it was just easier. One of my favorite things was to build a fire in the fire pit, open a bottle of wine and have a cigarette.

I had been a smoker for many years and had quit many times but he really wanted me to give it up for good and I really wanted to. Until I tried to. And the NEED!!! It consumed me. Every waking moment. Relentlessly pursuing me. So when he was away I gave in. Every time.

I am an oncology nurse so I know the effects of smoking. I hate the way it smells. I felt convicted about it. It made me feel ashamed. But I loved it and that love was stronger than anything else.

O wretched man that I am. Who will deliver me from this body of death?

Finally, and I can't think of a better way to say this, God put His finger on it. Does that make sense? He called me on it. When I would pray for an open door to Israel, or for health or to live a life that pleased Him, smoking would come up. It was something that He had tolerated in me for a long time but now it was something that had to go. It was an idol in my life and He would share me no longer. Then the knowledge came that if I did not give this up there would be no ministry trip to Israel. Once again God takes away something destructive and in its place He gives grace, peace and gifts.

I have not smoked in a long time now. I gave that up for Him and He gave me something far better. We leave for Israel, God willing, in seven days.

Now to all of you who smoke, this is not a lecture on smoking. I could have used a lot of different habits, for I have had most of them at one time or another. There just came a point when it became sin for ME.

There are times when I miss it and I have to remind myself what I gained with its loss. Still...Ken is going out of town for a week and I have to tell you that I have thought about it, to my shame. After all this time? After all God has done? Even considering the trip to Israel? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

But in the end God will give more grace where it is needed and I will choose to be faithful to Him who called me out of darkness into His marvelous light. And just to be sure...Haley is coming to stay with me:)

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ my Lord and I can say, even when I fail, There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set me free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. Amen.

Titus 3 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, slaves to various passions and pleasures...but when the goodness and lovingkindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us not because of works done by us in righteousness but according to His own mercy.

James 4 Submit yourself therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

And when you feel weak, call a sister to help you and keep you accountable.